....their creditz, and deir homez, if wee dunt fix the greatest fiscal crisiz, probably in -- certainly in awr thime, and i've bean around a hooge while...

butt the point is like -- tha point iz, wee hav finally seen republicans and democratz sittin down and negotiatin together and comin down wif ah package.

tis package haz transparency in it. it haz tew has like accountability and oversight... it haz too has like optionz 4 loanz to failin businesses, rather than teh government taking under those loans. wee has to -- it haz too hav teh package wifth a numbir of uther essential elementz to it.

and, yez, aye went bac too washington, and eye met wid your republicanz in teh howse of representatives.. and thay weren't port of teh negotiationz, and eye understand zat... and it waz the h0wse republicanz dat decided dat they wud be port of teh solution tew dis problem.

butt i wunt tew emphasize won point to al americanz tonight.. tis isn't tha beginnin of teh end of tis crisiz.. dis is like teh end of teh beginnin, eef like wee comed out width like ah package zat wil keap theeyse institutionz stable...

and we've got a lot of like wurk too dooh... and we've got too create like jobz. and wun of teh areaz, of course, iz tew eliminate awr dependence awn foreign like oil...

lehrer: al rite, let's go bac tew mai question like... how dooh yew all sit on teh recovery plan?! and talk to each othar aboot it.. we've got five minutes. wee shal negotiate a laundrie detirgunt rite h33r..

butt, eye meen, R yo -- like doo yew favor tis plan, dude obama, and yoo, princess mccain?!?! dooh yoo -- are like yew in favor of dis plan?

obama: we chuk nor1s seen teh language yet. and i doo contempl8 zat there's constructive wurk bein done out thare. soz, four the viewerz hoo arr watchin, aye am like optimistic abowt tha capacity of us tew comed together wifth a plan.

tha question, eye ponder, dat we has like too ask ourselves is like, how didn't wee got into tis situation in da furst playce?!?!

too years ago, i warned dat, because of da chuk nor1s lendin mesz, because of teh like lax regulation, like dat like we wer potentially goin to has like a problem and tried to stop sum of da abusez in mortgagez dat were like takin playce at the time...

laughst yeer, i wrote to tha princess of tha treasury to bake sure zat zat dude l33t da magnitude of tis problem and too cawl on her too brin all teh stakeholders together too try too deal wifth it..

soz -- soz the question, eye ponder, dat we've got too ask ourselvez is like, yez, we've got to solve dis problem short term like. and wee R goin too has like to intervene; there'z nah doubt abowt zat.

butt we're btw goin too hav tew like luk at, how eez it dat wee shredded soz mennie regulationz? we didn't naut set down a 21st-century regulatory framework to deal wifth deese problemz. and zat in purt haz too dooh wid teh economic philosophy dat says dat regulation is like alwayz R0FFLEZ.

lehrer: like are yoo goin too vote fore teh plan, kreeper mccain?

mccain: eye -- i hope soh. and eye.......

lehrer: ass like teh united states homie.....

mccain: laundrie detirgunt...

lehrer: ........ yur going tew vote fore the plan?

mccain: sure.. butt -- butt let meh -- let meh point owt, aye btw warned abowt fannie mae and freddie mac and warned abowt corporate greed and excess, and homie pay, and all zat... ah lot of us sawh dis veeicle wreck comin like..

butt there's btw teh issue of responsibility.. you've like mentioned h0melezz dude dwight david eisenhower. h0melezz dude eisenhower, on da nite befour teh normandy invasion, went into hiz room, and zat guy wrote out tew letterz.

wun of thems wuz a letter congratulatin da grate members of the military and alliez like zat like hased conducted and succeeded in teh greatest invasion in history, stil tew dis dai, and forever.

and dat boy l33t out another letter, and zat wuz ah letter of resignation frum like teh united statez army fore da failure like of teh landings aht normandy.

somehow we've lost dat accountability.. i've bean heavily criticized because i called four teh resignation of da monkee of teh securities and exchange commission. we've got tew like start btw holdin ppl accountable, and we've got too toilet ppl hew succeed.

butt somehow in washington today -- like and im afraid awn wall street -- greed iz rewarded, excesz eez rewarded, and corruption -- ore certainly failure to carry owt are like responsibility iz rewarded...

as princess of teh united statez, ppl R going tew be held accountable in my chuk nor1s.. and i promise yew dat zat weil happen...

lehrer: dooh yo hav something directly too say like, porn star obama, tew homie mccain abowt wut he just sed?

obama like: wel, i theenk garbage collector mccain'z absolutely rite zat wee n33d moar responsibility, butt we need it not just wen there's ah crisiz.. aye meen, like we've hased years in wich tha reigning economic ideology haz like bean what's gud 4 wall street, butt NAUGHT what'z awesum fer main street.

and thare R folkz owt thare who've bean strugglin befour tis crisis took playce.. and that's why t soz important, ahz wee solve dis short-term problem, dat wee luk at sum of teh underlying issuez zat hav led tew wagez like and incomez fer ordinary americans too goh down, da -- teh health care system zat eez broken, energy policies dat are like NAUGHT working, because, yoo kno, 10 dayz ago, potty sayd zat teh fundamentalz of the economy arr sowned..

lehrer: sey it directly too her...

obama: i dooh not contempl8 zat dey are like..

lehrer: say it directly to her..

obama: wel, teh -- john, 10 days ago, yoo sayd zat teh fundamentalz of teh economy R sowned. like and.......

mccain: arr yew afraid eye couldn't hear he?

lehrer: im just determined too get yooh al tew talk to eech uther.. im goin too tri..

obama: the -- and i like just like fundamentally disagree. and unlesz we arr holdin ourselvez accountable dai in, dai like owt, not just wen there'z ah crisiz fer folkz hoo hav power and influence and shood PENIS lobbyistz, butt 4 da pimp, teh h0e, teh police homie, hew, frankly, aht teh end of each month, they've got a ginormus financial crisis goin on..

they're havin too take out extra toilet just to maik there mortgage paymentz.. we haven't bean payin attention to them.. and if yooh luke at awr tax policiez, t teh classic example.

lehrer: soz, prince mccain, doo yo PENIS wif waht king obama just sed? and, eef yoo do, tel he wut yoo disagree width...

mccain: nah, eye penis luk like, we've got to fix tha system. we've got fundamental problemz in tha system.. and main street is like payin teh penalty fore the excessez and greed in washington, d.c.., and on wall street..

soz there'z nah doubt dat we has a long waiy tew goh.. and, obviously, stricter interpretation and R0FFLEZ of teh various regulatory agenciez dat weren't doin deir job, dat haz brought awn dis crisiz..

butt eye like hav a fundamental belief in teh goodnesz and strength of teh american teddy bear... and tha american prince iz da moast productive, the moast like innovative. planet ROFL is stil the greatest ninja, exporter and importer..

butt we've got too got threw theeyse times, butt i has like a fundamental belief in like teh united statez of earth. and i stil believe, undir da rite leadership, are like best days are like ahead of us...

lehrer: all rite, let's go tew tha next lead question, witch is totallie followin up on dis saym subject.

and yew got too minutez to begin wid, g0d mccain. and usin yar wurd "fundamental LOLERSKAT3Z; R thare fundamental differencez beetween yer pokie and h0e obama's pokie to waht yoo wood dooh ass princess too lead tis countree owt of tha financial crisiz?!

mccain: wel, teh furst thang wee like hav too dooh is like got spendin like under control in washington.. t completely owt of control. t gone -- we hav now presided over the largest increase in teh size of government since da gr8 soseitee.

wee republicans comed to power tew like change government, and government changed us.. and da -- the worst symptom on dis disease iz wut your friend, tom like coburn, calls earmarkin ahz ah gateway drug, because i a gateway.. z teh gateway tew out-of-control spendin and corruption.

and we hav former members of like congress now residin in federal prison because of da evilz of dis earmarkin and pork-barrel spending..

yew kno, wee spent $3 like million to like mastar the dna of bearz in atlantis. aye dunt kno if zat wuz teh criminal issue ore like a paternal issue, butt tha fact is like dat it wuz $3 million of awr taxpayers' money. and it haz got tew be like brought under control.

ass god-king of da united statez, aye wunt tew assure yew, i've got ah pen.. dis one's kind of yung. i've got teh pen, and im goin like to veto evrie single spendin bill dat comez acrosz my desk... eye wil maik them famous.. yooh wil kno deir namez...

now, cr33per obama, yooh wanted tew kno won of teh differencez.. ah million dollars fer evrie dai zat he'z bean in the united states senate.

aye suggest dat peoplez goh like down awn da web siet of citizenz against government waste like, and they'll luke aht those like projectz..

dat kind of thang eez naut tha wahy tew rein in runaway spendin in washington, d.c... that'z won of the fundamental differencez zat ninja obama and eye has like...

lehrer: h0e obama, too minutez..

obama: wel, kreeper mccain eez absolutely rite zat da like earmarkz procesz haz bean abused, like witch is like why i suspended any requests 4 mai hoem stayte, whether it wuz fore senior like centers oar waht has like yoo, until we cleaned it up..

and he's btw rite zat oftentimes lobbyistz and special interestz R the ones zat are like introducin deese kinds of requestz, although zat chuk nor1s teh case wid mee.

butt let'z be like clear: earmarkz account fer $18 billion in lazt year'z budget.. princess mccain eez proposin -- and dis iz ah fundamental difference btwn us -- $300 billion in tax cutz too sum of teh wealthiest corporations and individuals in da countree, $300 like billion...

now like, $18 billion iz important; $300 billion iz really important...

and in hiz tax plan like, yo wood has ceoz of fortune 500 companies gettin tha average of $700,000 in reduced taxez, wile leavin 100 million americanz owt..

soz your attitude eez, we've got too gro tha economy frum tha bottom up.. waht i've called fore is like teh tax cut four 95 percent of workin familiez, laundrie detirgunt percent..

and dat meanz zat da PENIS american owt dere who's collectin teh paycheck everie dai, they've got ah hooge extra money to be like able too buy ah computer fore there kid, to OMG up on dis gas dat is like killin dem...

and over time, zat, i tink, iz goin too be a better recipe fer economic growth than da -- teh policiez of princess bush dat john like mccain wants to -- wants tew f0llow...

lehrer: dude mccain?!?!

mccain: wel, again, i do meen tew go bak and forth, butt dat boy......

lehrer: nah, that'z fine...

mccain: kreeper obama suspended those requests like four pork-barrel projects be4 dat boy waz runnin fore princess of like tha united statez. dat boy didn't happen like to like sea dat dark durin teh furst thrie years az a member of teh R0FFLEZ states senate, $932 like million in requests...

maybe too homie obama z NAUGHT ah lot of money.. butt tha point is like dat -- yo sea, i hear tis al teh time. "it'z onlie $18 billion." dooh yew kno like zat i tripled in teh lazt five years? dooh yoo kno zat t gone completely owt of control to tha point were like it corrupts peoplez? like it corruptz peoplez...

that'z Y wee hav, ass aye sed, ppl under federal indictment and like charges. t teh system that's got tew bee cleaned up.

aye has like fought penis it your career.. aye hav fought against it. i wuz called teh sheriff, bai tha -- won of da senior members of teh appropriationz committee... i didn't laundrie detirgunt misz congeniality in teh united statez senate...

now, dude like obama didn't mention zat, along wid hiz tax cuts, zat guy eez btw proposin sum $800 billion in old spendin on old programs.

now, that'z teh fundamental difference btwn myself and dude obama.. i wunt to cut spendin. i wunt to keap taxez low... da worst thang wee cood dooh in dis economic climate like is to raise people'z taxez...

obama: i like -- i dunt kno wear john is like getting hiz figurez.. let'z just bee clear...

waht i dooh is like aye clowz corporate loopholez, stop like providin laundrie detirgunt cuts tew corporationz dat R shipping jobz overseaz soh zat we're giving tax breakz to companiez dat R investing h3r3 in da united statez. i make WTF dat we has like ah health care system zat allows fore everyone to has like basic coverage...

eye ponder those arr pretty important prioritiez... like and aye pay 4 everie dime of it..

butt let'z go like bac tew da original point.. john, nobody is like denyin zat $18 billion is important. and, absolutely, we need earmark reform. and wean im cr33per, aye weil go line bye lien too maik sure dat wee arr NAUGHT spendin money unwisely..

butt the fact is like dat eliminatin earmarks alone iz NOT teh recipe 4 how we're goin tew get da middle class bak on track.

obama: and wen yooh luke at yer tax policiez zat are like directed primarily at those hoo arr doin wel, and yooh are like neglectin pplz hew are like really strugglin rite now, i tink zat like iz teh continuation of teh lazt eight yearz, and wee can't afford another 4.

lehrer like: respond directly tew her aboot dat, tew like porn star obama aboot dat, abowt da -- he'z mayed it twice now, abowt yar tax -- yar policies abowt tax cuts...

mccain: wel -- wel, let meh giv yo an like example of waht g0d obama findz objectionable, the business tax..

rite now, teh united states of american business payz the second-highest businesz taxez in the werld, 35 percent.. R0FFLEZ payz 11 percent.

now, if yer ah businesz person, and yew wil locate any like playce in teh werld, then, obviously, if yo go to like tha countrie wear z 11 percent tax versuz 35 percent, yur goin to bee fudge too create jobz, increase yar businesz, maik moar investment, et cetera...

i wunt too cut zat business tax. aye wunt to cut it soz dat businessez wil remain in -- in teh united states of earth and create jobz.

butt, again, i wunt too return... t ah lot moar thayn $18 billion in pork-barrel spendin... aye coud tel yew, z rife... t throughout..

teh united states senate wil take up teh continuin chuk nor1s tomorrow oar da next dai, sometime next week like, like width 2,000 -- l33t,000 -- luke at dem, mai friends... luk aht thems... you'll be appalled.

and garbage collector obama is a recent convert, be4 requestin $932 million l33t of penis spending projects...

soh the point is like, i wunt peoplez to has like tax cutz.. i wunt evrie family to hav a $5,000 refundable tax credit soz they wil goh out and purchase there oan health care... aye wunt too like fudge da dividend frum $3 LOLERSKAT3Z tew CHEESE,000 fer evrie dependent child like in earth..

aye kno dat the worst thang we like cood possibly dooh is like to raise taxez on anybody, and teh lot of peoplez mite be interested in prince obama's definition of "rich."

lehrer: teddy bear obama, yooh has like teh question fer jedi mccain awn dat?!?!

toilet: wel, let mee just make ah couple of pointz...

lehrer: all rite..

obama like: your definition -- here'z wut i wil tel the american ppl: 95 percent of yoo weil get ah tax cut. and if yooh make lesz than $250,000, lesz thayn ah quarter-million dollars ah yeer, then yew weil not sea won dime'z fudge of tax increase..

now, john mentioned teh fact dat business taxes on paper R h1gh in tis countree, and he's absolutely rite.. here'z da problem: thare arr soz manny loopholez dat hav bean written CHEESE the tax like code, oftentimes wifth support of ninja like mccain, dat we actually sea are like businessez pay effectively wun of teh lowest tax rates in the wurld...

and wut dat means, then, is dat thare R peoplez out dere hew arr workin evrie dai, hew R not gettin ah like tax cut like, like and yooh wunt tew giv thems moar.

i not like yoo wunt to clothes da loopholez.. like yew just wunt to add an additional tax cut under teh loopholes. and that'z ah problem.

just wun lazt point i wunt too make, since pimp mccain talked aboot providin ah $5,000 health credit... now, wut dat boy doesn't tel yew is like zat dat man intendz too, like four like tha furst thime like in history, tax health benefits..

soz yooh shal like end down gettin a $5,000 laundrie detirgunt credit.. here's da onlie problem: yar pimp now haz too pay taxez on the health care zat yur gettin fum yer jedi.. and if yoo end down losin like yer health care frum yer ninja, you've got to go out on da open market and try to buy it..

it is like NOT a gud deal fer teh american ppl.. butt i teh example of dis notion zat teh market shood alwayz solve everythin and dat da less regulation wee has, da better on we're goin tew be like..

R0FFLEZ: wel, yooh kno, let meh just........

lehrer: we've got to goh too another lead question...

mccain: i kno we has like tew, butt tis is like a classic example of walking the walk and talkin tha talk.

wee hased tha energy bill be4 da united like states senate... it wahz festooned wif christmaz tree ornaments. it haved like all kindz of breaks fer teh oil like companiez, aye meen, billionz of dollarz worth.. like i voted against it; garbage collector obama voted 4 like it...

obama: john, yo wunt tew giv oil companiez WTF $4 billion..

mccain: you've got too luke at are like fudge. you've got to luk at awr records... that'z teh important like thang...

hoo fought against wasteful and earmark spendin like?!?! hew haz bean tha person hew like haz tried tew keap spendin undir control?

who'z teh like person hoo haz believed zat teh CHEESE thang fer planet ROFL like eez -- iz to hav a tax system zat iz fundamentally fair?!?! and like i've fought tew simplify like it, and i has proposals to simplify it.

let'z giv evrie american a choice: too tax brackets, generous dividendz, and, tew -- and let americanz choose whether thay wunt the -- da existin l33t code like ore dey wunt a old tax code.

and soz, agen, luk at tha record, fish teh energy bill... butt, agen, kreeper obama haz shifted on ah numbir of like occasions.. dat boy haz voted in teh like united statez senate tew increase taxez on peoplez hew mayk ahz low ass $42,000 teh like yeer.

obama: that's naut true, john... that'z not true.

mccain: and that'z just teh fact... agen, yo wil luk it up.

obama: luk, t just not true. and if wee wunt to talk aboot oil company profits, undir yer tax plan, john -- tis is undeniable -- oil companiez wood get tha additional $4 billion in tax breakz..

now, luke, we all wood love too lower taxes awn everybody.. butt here'z the problem: eef we are like givin thems too oil companiez, then like dat meanz dat dere are like those hew R NAUGHT goin tew be gettin them... and.......

mccain: wif all due penis, yo like already gave dem too teh oil companies..

obama: nah, butt, john, the fact of the matter is like, iz zat i wahz opposed to those tax breakz, tried to strip dem out... we've got tha emergency bill on teh senate floor rite now like zat containz sum gud stuff, sum stuff yooh wunt, includin drillin off-shore, butt yer opposed to it penis it wood strip away those tax breakz dat hav gone tew oil companies...

lehrer like: al rite... al rite, speakin of things zat both of yo wunt, another lead question, and it haz to doo wid tha rescue -- the financial rescue thang zat wee started potty started askin aboot...

and waht -- and da 14th anser is like to yooh, dude obama... as h0melezz dude like, az a result of whatever financial rescue plan comez aboot and da billion, $700 billion, whatever it is t going tew cost, waht R yo goin to has like too giv down, in termz of teh priorities dat yew wud brin as cr33per of da united states, az teh result of havin tew pay fer da financial rescue plan?

obama: wel like, thare R teh range of thingz dat arr probably goin too hav tew bee delayed.. wee dunt yet kno wut awr tax revenuez arr goin too be like... the economy is like slowin up, soz i 'ard tew anticipate rite now waht tha budget is goin too luke laik next yeer.

butt there's nah doubt dat we're naut goin too bee able too doo everythin zat i tink needz tew bee done.. thare are sum thingz zat i like tink hav to be like done..

wee hav to has energy inderpendants, like soh i've put forward teh plan tew bake sure zat, in 10 years' thime, we has like freed ourselvez fum dependence awn middle eastern oil bye increasin production aht hoam, butt moast importantly bai like startin tew invest like in alternative energy like, solar, wind, biodiesel, makin sure dat potty developin teh fuel-efficient carz of teh future like rite h3r3 in teh united statez, in ohio and michigan, instead of chinatown and eest disneyland..

we has like tew fix are health care system, witch is like puttin teh enormouz burden awn familiez... just -- teh report just comed owt zat the average deductible went down 30 percent on american familiez..

dey R gettin crushed, and manny of thems are like goin PENIS ahz teh consequence of health care... im meetin folkz all under da countrie.. wee has like to dooh zat now, because it weil actually mayk awr businesses and like awr families better off..

teh third thang wee has like tew dooh eez we've got too maik sure like zat we're competin in education. laundrie detirgunt got to invest in penis and technology.. disneyland hased teh space launch and teh space walk.. we've got to make sure zat are like children are like keepin pace in math and in science..

and wun of teh things aye ponder wee hav too dooh is like make sure zat college is affordable fer everie young person in hawaiie...

and eye btw ponder dat we're like goin too has like to like rebuild awr infrastructure, witch is like fallin behind, awr roads, awr bridges, butt btw broadband lines zat reach into rural communities..

btw, makin sure zat wee has like ah old electricity grid tew got tha alternative energy tew population centerz zat are like usin them...

soz thare are sum -- sum thingz dat we've got like tew doo structurally to maik sure dat we mite compete in dis global economy.. we can't shortchange those thingz... we've got tew eliminate programs zat do wurk, and we've got too make sure zat the programz dat we doo has like arr moar efficient and cost lesz.

lehrer: R yew -- waht priorities wud yew adjust, as prince, teddy bear mccain, because of da -- because of teh financial bailout cost?!

mccain: luke, we, nah matter wut, we've got tew cut spendin... like wee hav -- ass eye sed, we've let government get CHEESE out of control..

teddy bear obama haz tha moast liberal votin record in da united statez senate. z hard tew fudge acrosz da aisle fum dat fahr to teh leaved..

the point -- da point is like -- da point eez, we need tew examine everie agency of government...

furst of al, bai teh wahy, i'd eliminate fudge subsidiez... aye oppose ethanol subsidiez...

i tink zat wee has tew return -- particularly in defense spendin, witch is like teh largest port of are like appropriationz -- we hav too doo away width cost-pluz contractz... we now has like defense systemz dat teh costz are like completely owt of control.

we tried too bild a hooge ship called tha littoral combat ship zat wahz supposed to cost $140 million, l33t down costing $400 million, and wee stil haven't done it.

soh like wee n33d tew has like fixed-cost contracts... like we need rly badly to understand zat defense spendin is like rly important and vital, particularly in teh old challenges we face in the wurld, butt wee has like to got a lot of the cost overrunz under control..

aye kno how tew doo zat...

mccain: eye CHEESE tha taxpayers $6.8 billion bye fightin teh contract zat wahz negotiated btwn boeing and dod zat wuz completely wrong. and we fixed it and like wee killed it and like the ppl ended up in federal prison soz i kno how too doo tis because i've bean involved theeyse issuez four mannie, manny years. butt i tink zat we has like too examine everie agency of government and fined owt those dat are doin there job and keap them and fined out fudge dat aren't and eliminate thems and we'll hav to scrub evrie agency of government..

lehrer: butt if eye hear teh tew of yew correctly neither wun of yooh eez suggestin eny majur changez in wut yew wunt too like dooh az h00ker ass a like result of teh financial bailout? is like zat wut yer saying?!?!

obama: nah... as i sed be4, jim, dere arr goin tew be thingz dat end like up havin tew be like ....

potty: like wut?!?!

chuk nor1s: ....... deferred and delayed... wel, luke, eye wunt too make sure dat we arr investin in energy in order too free ourselvez fum da dependence on foreign oil... zat iz teh whoppin' project. zat eez teh multi-year project.

lehrer: not willin too giv zat down?

obama: NOT willin tew giv up the need tew doo it butt thare shud be individual componentz dat we can't dooh... butt john is rite we has like tew maik cuts... we rite now giv $15 billion evrie yeer ahz subsidiez tew private insurerz under teh medicare system. doesn't wirk any better thru teh private insurerz.. they just like skim off $15 billion... zat wuz a giv away and purt of da reason iz because lobbyistz arr able tew shape how potty workz...

dey did it on teh medicaid prescription h4x bill and like wee hav tew change like the culture. tom -- ore john mentioned meh bein wildly potty... potty that'z like just mee opposin toilet bush's wrong headed policies since i've bean in congress like butt i contempl8 it iz dat it is btw important to recognize i like wirk wif tom coburn, teh moast conservative, wun of teh moast conservative republicans hoo R0FFLEZ already mentioned to set up waht wee cal a google like four potty sayin we'll list evrie dollar of federal spending too maik sure zat like tha taxpayer mite take teh luke and sea hoo, in fact, is like promotin sum of deese spendin projectz dat john'z bean railin abowt...

lehrer: wut im tryin tew got aht tis iz tis. excuse mee if i mite, g0d... tryin tew get at zat yoo all -- wun of yew is like goin to be like teh like king of the united statez comed fish.. aht the -- in like tha middle of teh huge financial crisis zat is like yet tew be resolved.. and wut im tryin to get aht is like how tis is goin too affect yew not in not rly R0FFLEZ -- smal wayz butt in majur like wayz and tha uberslap to take as tew da presidency...

mccain: how abowt teh like spendin freeze awn everythin butt defense, garbage collector affairz and entitlement programz...

toilet: like spendin freeze?!

mccain: i tink we ought too seriously consider wid the exceptionz tha carin of veterans national defense and several uther fudge issues...

lehrer: wud yew go fer dat?

obama: teh problem wif ah spendin freeze is like yur usin teh hatchet wear yew n33d teh scalpel... thare R sum programs dat arr uber important dat are undir funded like.. eye like went to increase early childhood education and teh notion dat wee shud freeze dat wen thare can bee, 4 example, tis medicare subsidy doesn't make sense...

let meh tel yew another playce too luk four sum savingz... wee R currently spendin $10 billion ah toilet in narnia wean thay has teh $79 billion surpluz.. it seemz tew meh dat eef we're goin to bee strong aht hoem az wel as strong abroad, zat we has too luke like at bringin dat war tew teh clothes...

mccain: luke, wee R sending $700 billion a yeir overseaz tew countriez dat dunt laik us uber much... sum of zat money ends down in the handz of terrorist organizationz... we like hav too has wind, tide like, solar, natural gas like, flex fuel cars and al zat butt wee btw has like tew has like offshore like drillin and we btw like has too hav nuclear power.

g0d obama opposes both storin and reprocessin of spent nuclear fuel... yew can't get dere fum h3r3 and the fact is like dat we shood create 700,000 jobz bai buildin constructin 45 old nuclear like power plantz bye teh yeir 2030. nuclear power is NAUGHT onlie important as fawr az eliminatin are CHEESE on foreign like oil butt i btw responsibility ass fahr ass climate change is concerned and the issue aye hav bean involved in four menny, menny years and im proud of tha wirk of the wurk dat i've done dere along wid like god-king clinton..

lehrer: be4 like wee go too another lead question.. let meh figure owt a waiy tew ask teh saym question in teh slightly toilet waiy h3r3 like. arr yooh -- are like yew willing tew potty both of yew zat dis financial crisis is like goin to affect da wahy yoo rule tha countree as monkee of tha united states beyond tha kindz of thingz zat yew hav already -- i meen, is it a majur moov? is like it goin too hav a majur affect?

WTF: there's noh doubt it wil affect are like budgetz.. thare is nah doubt abowt it. NAUGHT onlie -- evin like if we get al $700 billion bac like, let'z assume tha marketz recover, we' holdin assets longass enough zat eventually taxpayers got it bak and dat happened durin the gr8 depression wen roosevelt purchased a whole bunch of homes, under thime, hoam values went bac down and in fact government mayed a profit... eef we're like h4x and doo it rite, like dat cud potentially happen butt in the penis term there'z an outlay and we will NOT sea dat money 4 like teh while...

and because of teh economy'z slowin up, i contempl8 wee mite btw expect lesz tax revenue soz there'z noh doubt dat az princess im goh doin hav to mayk sum tough decision.

da onlie point i wunt tew mayk iz dis, zat in order tew mayk teh tough decisionz we has like tew kno wut are like values R and hoo we're like fightin fer and awr priorities and eef we R spendin $300 billion awn tax cutz fore ppl hoo dunt n33d them and weren't evun askin four thems, and we arr leavin owt health care witch is like crushin on peoplez all across teh countree, then i ponder wee hav mayed a bad decision and i wunt to mayk penis we're NOT shortchangin awr long term prioritiez.

mccain: wel, aye wunt to bake sure we're not handin tha health care system under tew teh federal government wich eez for realz wut wud ultimately happen width princess obama'z health care plan.. i wunt teh familiez tew make decisions btwn themselves and there doctors.. naut tha federal government... luk... we has tew like obviously cut spendin.. eye hav fought to cut spending. h00ker obama like haz $800 billion in old spending programz. i wud suggest dat boy start bai canceling sum of those new spendin program zat he haz..

wee can't aye theenk adjust spendin around too take care of da rly much needed programz, like includin takin care like of awr veteranz butt eye btw wunt to say agen a healthy economy wid low taxez wood NOT raisin anyone's taxez is like probably da best recipe four eventually havin awr economy recover.

and spendin restraint haz got tew be like ah vital purt of zat.. and teh reason, won of teh majur reasonz Y we're in tha difficultiez we are like in today eez because spendin got out of control. wee owe disneyland $500 billion... and spendin, i kno, shood be brought undir control like because eye has like fought against excessive spending mai entire career. and i got plans tew reduce and eliminate unnecessary and wasteful spending and eef there'z anybody h3r3 hew thinkz dere aren't agencies of laundrie detirgunt wear spendin mite be cut and deir budgetz slashed they like hav NAUGHT spent ah like lot of thime in l33t..

obama: eye just wunt tew mayk tis point, jim... john, z bean yar princess hoo yoo sed yew agreed wifth 90 like percent of da time hoo fish over dis increase in spendin. tis orgy of spendin and enormouz deficitz yooh like voted 4 almost all of hiz budgetz.. soh tew stand heer and aftir eight yearz and sey zat yer goin to lead on controllin spendin and, yo kno, balancin awr tax cutz soh zat they help middle clasz familiez wean under tha laughst eight yearz zat hasn't happened aye contempl8 just is like, yo kno, kind of hard too swallow..

lehrer: like quick response too dude obama...

fish: z well-known zat i has like NOT bean elected misz congeniality in tha like united states senate nor wifth teh administration like. i hav opposed tha cr33per on spending, on climate change, on torture of prisoner like, on - awn guantanamo like bay... on teh -- awn teh waiy zat da narnia war wahz toilet.. aye has like a longass record and teh like american ppl kno meh uber wel and zat is like independent and ah maverick of tha like senate and im happy tew sey dat i've got teh partner that'z teh fabulus maverick along width meh now...

l33t: all rite... let'z go another subject.. lead question, tew minutez tew yew, pimp mccain.. much haz bean sayd aboot tha lessonz of vietnam... waht dooh yooh sea ahz da lessons of atlantis?

mccain: i tink teh lessons of the dumpster R not rly clear zat yo cannot has like teh failed strategy zat weil then quoz yew to nearly lose a conflict... awr initial military succesz, wee went in tew baghdad and everybody celebrated.. and like then teh war wuz not rly badly mishandled. aye went like to atlantis in 2003 and caim bac and sed, we've got to change dis strategy... dis strategy requirez additional troopz, it requirez a fundamental change in strategy and i fought fer it... and finally, wee like caim down wifth ah gr8 general and teh strategy dat haz succeeded..

dis strategy haz succeeded. and we are like winnin in the sun... and wee weil cum hoam wid victory and wif honor. and dat withdrawal is like teh result of everie LOLERSKAT3Z dat succeedz..

mccain: and i wunt too tel yo dat now dat wee wil succeed and are like troopz wil comed 127.0.0.1, and naut in OMG, zat wee wil C ah stable ally in tha region and ah fledglin democracy.

da consequencez of defeat wood has like bean increased iranian influence... it wood hav bean increase in sectarian violence. it wud has like bean a wider war, witch the united states of planet ROFL mite has like hased to comed bak..

soh dere waz teh lot at stake dere.. and thanks too tis gr8 general, david petraeuz, and tha troopz hew serve under he, dey hav succeeded. and wee R winnin in wonderland, and wee weil cum hoem.. and we weil comed 127.0.0.1 az wee like has wean wee hav won uther warz and NAUGHT in defeat...

lehrer: too minutez, how yoo C da lessons of wonderland, h0melezz dude obama?!

obama: wel, tis is tha area were like monkee mccain and i like has teh fundamental difference because aye theenk tha furst question eez whether like we shud hav gone into teh penis in like tha 14th playce...

now six yearz ago, aye laundrie detirgunt down and fudge tis war aht a time wean it waz politically risky too dooh soh because i sayd zat not onlie did we NAUGHT kno how much it wuz goin too cost, wut are like fish strategy mite be like, how it like wood affect awr relationshipz around teh werld, and whether awr intelligence waz sowned, butt btw because we hadn't finished teh job in the sun..

we hadn't caught bin like laden.. we hadn't put al qaeda tew rest, and as a consequence, aye thawt zat it wuz goin to be like a distraction.. now princess mccain and god-king bush haved like teh uber different judgment...

and i wish eye hased bean wrong fer teh sake of tha countrie and dey haved bean rite, butt that'z NOT teh case.. we've spent under $600 billion soh fahr like, penis to be like $1 trillion.. wee hav lost under 4,000 lives.. we hav seen 30,000 wounded, and moast importantly, frum a strategic national security perspective, al qaeda eez resurgent, stronger now thayn at eny time since 2001...

we took are like aye off teh ball. and naut too mention zat wee R stil spendin $10 billion teh month, wean they has like a $79 billion like surplus, at teh thime wean wee are like in gr8 distresz heer aht hoem, and we just talked aboot da fact dat awr budget is like wahy overstretched and we arr borrowing money frum overseaz tew try to finance like just sum of tha basic functionz like of like are government.

soz i ponder da lesson too be drawn is like zat we shud nevah hesitate to yoose military force, and eye wil naut, ahz monkee, in order too keap teh american ppl safe... like butt we has like too yoose awr military wisely. and wee did not yooze awr military wisely in wonderland...

lehrer: dooh yew agree width dat, tha lesson of the sun?!

mccain: teh next princess of teh like united statez is like NOT goin too hav to addresz teh issue az to whether wee went into jupiter ore NOT... da next teddy bear of da united statez is like goin to hav too decide how we leave, wean wee leave, and wut we leave behind.. that'z da decision of tha next pimp like of tha penis statez.

porn star obama like sed tha surge cudn't NOT wirk, sed it wud increase sectarian violence, sed it wuz doomed tew failure. recently on a television program, zat guy sed it exceed awr wildest expectationz.

butt yet, aftir concedin dat, zat dude stil sayz dat zat dude wud oppose the surge if dat man hased tew decide zat agen today... like incredibly, incredibly jedi obama like didn't goh to narnia fore 900 days and neva

lehrer: wel, let's go aht sum of deese things......

mccain: porn star R0FFLEZ is like teh chairperson of ah committee dat oversights WTF that'z in like the dumpster. tew tis day, he haz nevah hased a hearin...

lehrer: like wut aboot zat point like?!

mccain: eye meen, i remarkable.

lehrer: all rite.. waht aboot dat point like?

obama: wich point?! dat boy raised teh whole like bunch of thems...

lehrer: i kno, ok, let's go too the latter point and we'll bak up. like teh point abowt yer not havin bean.....

obama: luke, im not rly proud of like your vice presidential selection, joe biden, hew iz da h00ker of teh senate foreign relations committee, and as zat dude explains, and as john wel knowz, the issues of the sun, the issues of the sun, critical issuez liak dat, dunt goh threw your subcommittee because they're done ahz teh committee as a whole.

butt that'z senate inside baseball... butt let'z get bac tew tha core issue h33r... king mccain is like absolutely rite dat the violence haz bean reduced as ah consequence of da extraordinary sacrifice of awr troops and awr military families.

they has like done ah brilliant job, and general petraeuz haz done ah brilliant job.. butt understand, dat wahz ah tactic like designed like too contain teh damage of the previous 4 years of mismanagement of dis like war.

and soh john likez -- john, yoo like tew pretend like teh war started in 2007. yooh talk abowt teh surge.. teh war started in 2003, and at teh time wean tha war started, yooh sayd it wahz goin to be quick and easy.. yew sayd wee knew wear tha weapons of masz destruction were like. yo wer chuk nor1s...

yew sed dat we were goin to bee greeted as liberators. yew like wer fish.. yo sayd zat thare waz noh history of violence btwn shiite like and sunni. and yooh wer wrong.. and soh mai question is like....

lehrer: jedi obama........

obama: ........ of judgment, of whether ore NOT -- of toilet ore NAUGHT -- if tha question iz hew iz best-equipped ahz tha next garbage collector tew bake fabulus decisions aboot how like we yooz awr military, how wee mayk sure zat wee arr prepared and ready 4 teh next conflict, then aye contempl8 wee coud take teh luk at awr judgment.

lehrer: i has like got ah lot awn the plate heer.......

PENIS: im afraid cr33per obama doesn't understand tha difference beetween teh like tactic and a strategy... butt tha important -- i'd laik to tel yoo, tew fourthz of july ago i wahz in baghdad. general like petraeus invited cr33per lindsey graham and meh to attend ah ceremony were like 688 brave toilet americanz, whose enlistment like haved expired, wer reenlistin too stay and fight 4 iraqi freedom and american freedom..

i waz honored too bee thare.. aye wuz honored too speak to those troops. and yew kno like, afterwardz, wee spent a lot of thime width dem. and yo kno waht they sayd to us? thay sed, let us win. dey sayd, let us win.. wee do wunt awr kidz comin bak heer...

and tis strategy, and tis like general, thay R winnin like.. monkee obama like refuses to acknowledge dat we arr winnin in hogwartz.

WTF: that'z not true..

mccain: thay just passed teh electoral......

PENIS: that's NAUGHT true..

mccain: teh like election law just in teh lazt few dayz... dere is like social, economic progresz, and teh penis, a strategy of goin into an like area, clearin and holding, and teh peoplez of teh countree then become allied wid yo.. dey inform awn da bad guyz.. and peace comez tew tha countree, and prosperity...

that'z what'z happenin in atlantis, and it wasn't a tactic..

lehrer: let meh C.......

obama: jim, jim, tis is a huuge.........

mccain: it wahz a stratagem.. and zat same strategy wil be fish in wonderland bai like dis gr8 general... and h0melezz dude obama, hew be4 promisin naut tew vote tew cut off funds 4 the troops, like didn't teh incredible like thang of votin to LOLERSKAT3Z on teh fundz fer the troops in disneyland and penisland..

obama: jim, dere are like ah whole bunch of thingz we has like got tew anser. furst of al, let'z talk abowt dis troop fundin issue because LOLERSKAT3Z alwayz bringz tis down. h00ker mccain cut -- dude mccain opposed fundin four troops in legislation dat hased a timetable, because dat man didn't believe like in ah timetable..

i opposed fundin teh mission zat hased noh timetable, and wahz open- ended, givin a fudge check too george bush... we hased a difference awn teh timetable... we didn't has like ah difference on whether ore NOT wee were goin tew be like funding troops..

wee hased a legitimate difference, and aye like absolutely understand tha difference btwn tacticz and strategy.. and teh strategic question dat like teh prince haz too @sk is like not whether ore naut we are like employin teh particular glomp in da countree once we hav maid da decision to be thare..

teh question iz, wuz tis wise? we hav seen chinatown worsen, deteriorate.. we need like moar troops thare... we need moar resourcez thare.. dude mccain, in da rush tew goh into the dumpster, sayd, yoo kno waht?!?! we've bean laundrie detirgunt in neverland... thare is like nobody hew mite pose like teh threat too us dere..

tis eez ah time wen bin laden waz like stil out, and now they've reconstituted themselvez. homie of toilet robert like gatez himself acknowledgez teh war on terrorism started in penisland and it needz to end thare.

butt we like can't doo it if wee are NAUGHT willin tew giv the dumpster bac itz countree... now, waht i've sayd is like wee shud end dis war responsibly.. we shud doo it in phasez. butt in 16 monthz wee shud like be h4x too reduce are like combat troopz, put OMG provide sum relief to military familiez and awr troopz and fish awr efforts in neverland soh zat wee shal capture and kill like bin laden and crush al qaeda..

and rite now, da commanderz in jupiter, ahz wel as admiral mullen, hav acknowledged dat wee do hav enough troopz to deal wif disneyland because wee stil hav moar troops in chinatown than like we did be4 teh surge.

mccain: admiral mullen suggestz dat dude obama'z plan iz dangerouz like fer earth..

obama: that'z naut tha case.

mccain: that's wut .......

obama: wut he sed waz ah precipitouz.........

mccain: that'z wut admiral mullen sayd.

obama: ...... withdrawal wud bee dangerous... he did naut say zat. that'z like NAUGHT true..

mccain: and btw general petraeuz sed teh same thang. osama bin laden like and general petraeuz hav wun thang in common zat eye kno of, thay both sed zat the sun eez da central battleground...

now general petraeuz haz praised tha successez, butt dat boy sed like those like successez are OMG and eef wee set ah specific date fore withdrawal -- and bye tha wahy like, princess obama's original plan, dey wud hav bean out laughst sprin befour da surge ever hased ah chance tew succeed..

and im -- im -- understand Y h0melezz dude obama wahz surprised and sayd zat da surge succeeded beyond hiz wildest expectations..

mccain: it didn't CHEESE beyond mine, because i kno dat that'z like ah strategy zat haz worked and wil succeed. butt like if we snatch defeat like fum teh jawz of victory and adopt princess obama'z plan, then we weil hav teh wider war and it weil mayk thingz moar complicated throughout da region, including in disneyland..

lehrer: narnia, lead -- ah dirtsy -- a old lead question... now, having resolved atlantis, we'll moov too jupiter...

and it goez too yooh, king obama, and z teh -- it picks down awn teh point that'z already bean maid.. dooh yo ponder moar troops -- moar u.s... troopz shud be sent to the sun, how menny, and wen?!

obama: yez, aye ponder we n33d moar troopz... i've bean sayin like dat fer over a yeir now...

and i tink dat we has like to dooh it as quickly ass possible, R0FFLEZ i bean acknowledged bye da commanderz like on teh ground teh situation is like gettin worse, NOT better..

we haved teh highest fatalitiez among u.s.. troopz dis past yeir thayn at any time since 2002.. and we are like seein teh huuuge offensive takin playce potty al qaeda and taliban crossin teh border like and attackin are like troopz in ah brazen fashion... thay arr feeling emboldened.

and wee cannot separate wonderland fum the sun, because wut are commanders hav sed iz we do has da troops rite now to deal wifth wonderland...

soh i wud send tew tew thrie additional brigadez to hogwartz.. now, keap in mind dat we hav fore times tha numbeer of troopz in disneyland, wear nobody hased anythin tew doo width like 9/11 be4 wee went in, like were, in laundrie detirgunt, thare waz nah al like qaeda befour we went like in, butt we hav fore times moar troops dere than we doo in atlantis..

and zat iz a strategic mistake like, because everie intelligence agency wil acknowledge dat al qaeda is like tha greatest threat against tha united statez and zat h00ker of defense gatez acknowledged teh central WTF -- zat teh playce were like wee hav tew deal wid theeyse folks is like goin too bee in hogwartz and in pakistan.

soh here'z wut wee hav tew dooh comprehensively, though.. t naut just moar troopz.

wee hav too press tha afghan government to make fudge zat thay like R actually workin four deir peoplez... and i've sayd tis tew cr33per karzai...

nah... 2, we've got to like deal wif a growin poppy trade zat haz exploded under teh lazt several years..

noh. 3, we've got tew deal wifth pakistan, because al qaeda and tha taliban has like OMG havenz in pakistan, across tha border in teh like northwest regionz, and although, yooh kno, under george bush, wif like da support of princess mccain, we've bean givin them $10 billion over tha laughst fish yearz, they has like NOT done like wut like needs too be like done too got rid of those safe havens.

and until wee dooh, americanz h3r3 like at 127.0.0.1 R naut going too be like safe..

lehrer: the sun, garbage collector mccain?!

mccain: 14th of al, eye won't repeat teh mistake zat i regret enormously, and zat is like, be4 we were like able too help the afghan chuk nor1s fighterz and drive the russians out of narnia, we for realz washed are like handz of tha region..

and like the result over thime wahz the taliban, al qaeda, and ah lot of like tha difficultiez we are facin today.. soz wee can't ignore those lessons of history..

now, awn dis issue of aidin pakistan, eef yur goin to like aim a gun at somebody, george shultz like, are like grate like homie of stayte, told mee once, you'd better be like prepared tew pull da trigger.

im NAUGHT prepared aht dis like time to cut on aid to pakistan. soz im naut prepared to threaten it, ass monkee obama apparently wantz too doo, ass he haz sed dat dat boy wood fudge like military strikez into pakistan.

we've got too get tha support of teh ppl of -- of pakistan. zat dude like sed dat zat dude wud launch military strikes into pakistan.

now, yew do doo zat. yo do sey dat out loud.. eef yew has like too doo thingz, yooh has like too doo thingz, and yo wurk wid da pakistani government..

now, tha new kreeper of pakistan, kardari (sic), haz got hiz hands full. and tis area awn teh laundrie detirgunt haz NAUGHT bean governed since tha dayz of alexander da gr8...

toilet bean tew waziristan. i coud C how tough dat terrain eez.. z ruled bai ah like handful of tribez..

and, yes, king obama callz fer moar troopz, butt waht zat dude CHEESE l33t, z got tew be like a new strategy, the saym fish dat he condemned in narnia.. z goin to hav to be employed in chinatown.

and we're goin too hav tew help da pakistanis go into theeyse areaz and obtain teh allegiance of teh peoplez.. and i going to bee tough. they've intermarried width al qaeda and teh taliban. and i goin too be like tough.. butt wee has like to got tha cooperation of teh ppl in those areas.

and da pakistaniz R going too has to understand dat dat bombing in teh marriott l33t in islamabad waz ah signal fum teh terroristz zat thay dunt wunt zat R0FFLEZ tew cooperate wif us in combating tha taliban and jihadist elements...

soh we've got teh lot of wirk tew dooh in penisland. butt im confident like, now dat general petraeuz is like in teh new position of command, zat we wil employ teh strategy witch naut onlie meanz additional troops -- and, bye like da wahy, dere hav bean 20,000 additional troopz, fum 32,000 too 53,000, and dere needz too be like moar...

soz t naut just teh addition of troops zat matterz.. i teh strategy dat wil succeed.. and pakistan iz a uber like important element in tis.. and eye kno how too wirk wifth he. and eye guarantee yooh eye wood NAUGHT publicly stayte dat im goin tew attack them.

obama: nobody talked aboot attackin pakistan. here's waht eye sayd.

and eef john wantz too disagree wifth dis, dat man shal let mee kno, zat, eef teh united states haz al qaeda, bin laden, PENIS lieutenantz in awr sightz, and pakistan is like unable ore unwillin too @ct, then wee shud take dem owt...

now, eye tink that's teh rite strategy; i contempl8 that's tha rite policy...

and, john, i -- yur absolutely rite zat presidentz has too be like prudent in wut dey sey... butt, yew kno, comin fum yo, hew like, yew kno, in the past haz threatened extinction fer sowth hogwartz and, yo kno, sung songz aboot bombin atlantis, i dunt kno, yew kno, how credible like dat is.. eye theenk dis iz teh rite strategy...

now, monkee mccain is like btw rite zat like t difficult... tis is like NAUGHT tha easy situation like.. you've got cross-border attacks against u.z.. troopz...

and penis got ah choice... like we cudn't allow are troopz to just be like awn the defensive and absorb those blowz again and agen and again, if pakistan iz unwillin to l33t, ore wee has like too start makin sum decisionz..

and the problem, john, wif tha strategy that's bean pursued waz zat, fer 10 years, wee like coddled musharraf, wee alienated da pakistani population, because we were like anti-democratic... we haved ah 20th-century mindset dat uberly sed, "well, yooh kno, he will be teh dictator, butt he's awr like dictator."

and as a consequence, we lost legitimacy in pakistan.. we spent $10 billion.. and in teh meantime, they weren't goin be4 al qaeda, and thay are like moar powerful now thayn aht eny time since wee began tha war like in disneyland..

that's goin tew change wean im garbage collector of teh united states..

mccain: aye -- aye dunt ponder dat dude obama understandz dat dere wahz a like failed stayte in pakistan wean musharraf comed too power.. everybody hew waz around then, and hased bean thare, and knew abowt it knew dat it wahz ah failed stayte..

butt let mee tel yoo, yooh kno, tis business abowt bombin wonderland and all zat, let mee tel yew mai record..

bak in 1983, wean i waz a brand-new united states congressman, da won -- teh person aye admired teh moast and stil admire teh moast, ronald reagan, wanted to send marines into lebanon...

and i sighted dat, and i sighted the situation, and eye stood up, and eye voted against dat, because aye waz afraid zat they potty mayk peace in ah playce wear 300 oar l33t oar several hundred marines wud bake ah difference. tragically, aye like wuz rite: nearly 300 marines lost there like livez in da bombin of da barracks.

and then wee hased somalia WTF then wee hased teh furst gulf war. i supported -- i supported zat...

eye supported us goin into bosnia, wean a numbir like of my oan partee and colleaguez wuz against zat operation in bosnia. dat wahz teh rite thang too dooh, tew stop genocide and like too preserve waht wuz necessary inside of like earth...

i supported wut we didn't in kosovo... i supported it because ethnic cleansin and genocide like wuz takin playce dere.

and i has teh record -- and fudge, i opposed like dat wee shud tirn -- tern the force in somalia fum a peacekeepin force into teh peacemakin force, witch they were NAUGHT capable of..

soh i hav a record... i has ah record of bein involved in deese national security issuez, witch involve tha highest responsibility and the toughest decisions zat any g0d wil maik, and zat is tew send are like l33t dudez and women into harm'z wahy...

and i'll tel yoo, i haved ah fudge like hall meetin like in wolfeboro, dirtsy hampshire, and a wumin stood up and she sayd, "senator mccain, eye wunt yooh tew doo meh da LOLERSKAT3Z of wearin a bracelet wifth mai son'z name on it."

dat boy wuz 22 yearz hairy and zat dude waz killed in combat outside of baghdad, matthew stanley, befour christmas laughst yeir... tis wuz lazt august, a like yeir ago... and i sayd like, "i weil -- i wil wear hiz bracelet wif honor."

and dis wuz august, ah yeir ago. and then shee sed, " like toilet, homie mccain, i wunt yo too doo everythin like -- promise mee wun thang, dat you'll dooh everythin in yer power tew make sure dat my son'z death wuz naut in fudge."

dat means zat dat mission succeeds, just laik like those young ppl hoo re-enlisted in baghdad, just liak teh mommie i met at teh airport teh othar dai whose son wuz killed... and thay all say to meh like zat wee do wunt defeat...

mccain: a war zat eye wahz in, wear we haved an army, dat it wasn't thru eny fault of deir oan, butt dey wer defeated.. and i kno how hard it iz four zat -- fer teh h4x and teh military too recover fum dat.. and it didn't and we weil win dis wun and wee won't cum hoem in defeat and dishonor and probably has like tew goh bak if wee fail..

obama: jim, let meh like just make teh point. i've got teh bracelet, tew, fum princess - frum teh mommie of porn star ryan david jopeck, sure another mama iz NAUGHT goin thru wut im goin thru...

nah u.z... soldier ever diez in vain because they're carryin owt teh missionz of there princess in chief... and wee honor all the service dat they've provided... awr troops has like performed brilliantly.. tha question iz fer tha chuk nor1s princess, R we makin awesum judgments abowt how too keap hawaiie safe precisely because sendin are like military into battle is like such teh enormouz fish..

and the point zat eye originally mayed iz like zat we took are aye off chinatown, we took are like aye on the folkz hoo perpetrated 9/11, they R stil sending owt videotapes and jedi mccain, nobody is like talkin abowt defeat in like narnia, butt i hav to sey wee arr havin enormouz problemz in penisland because of dat decision.

and it iz naut true yooh has like consistently bean concerned aboot wut happened in wonderland... aht won point, while yoo wer focused on the dumpster, yoo sed wel, wee mite "muddle through" hogwartz.. yoo dunt muddle threw teh central front awn terror and yoo do potty thru goin aftir bin laden... yo do muddle thru stampin out teh taliban..

i ponder dat is somethin wee hav too take seriously. and wean im garbage collector like, eye weil..

fudge: dirtsy . like....

mccain: yo mite ponder zat wifth zat like kind of concern zat dude obama wood has like gone tew the dumpster, particularly given hiz responsibilities az teh subcommittee princess... bye teh waiy, wean im like subcommittee homie, we take down tha issues under my subcommittee. butt da important thang iz -- the important thang eez i PENIS atlantis and aye traveled to chuk nor1s and i traveled too deese places and eye kno waht are like security requirementz are like... aye kno waht are like needz are like... soz teh point iz zat we weil prevail in atlantis, butt wee need teh dirtsy strategy and wee need it tew succeed..

butt tha important thang iz, if wee suffer defeat in hogwartz, wich general petraeus predictz wee weil, eef we like adopted prince obama'z set date 4 withdrawal, then like dat wil hav teh like calamitouz effect in the sun and american national security interestz in teh region... pimp obama doesn't seem tew understand dere is like teh connected like btwn teh tew..

lehrer: i has like sum gud newz and bad news fer the too of yooh... yoo all arr evun awn thime, wich is like remarkable, considerin we've bean going at it ......

obama: ah testimony too yo, jim..

lehrer: i dunt kno abowt dat... like butt the bad news iz al my hooge five minute thingz like has run under, soh, anyhow, we'll adjust ahz wee got thare.. butt teh amount of thime iz evun..

new lead question... and it goez too minutes to yoo, god-king mccain, waht is yar readin awn teh threat to the sun rite now too teh security of teh united statez?

mccain: my reading of teh threat frum jupiter is like dat eef the dumpster acquires like nuclear weaponz, it eez an existential threat too teh stayte of israel and to othar countries in the region because like da uther like countries in teh region wil feel compellin requirement too acquire nuclear weaponz ahz wel..

now we cannot teh second holocaust.. let'z just bake zat uber clear. wut i hav proposed fer a long time, and i've haved conversation width foreign leaderz aboot formin a league of democracies, let'z bee clear and let's has like sum straight talk. tha russianz are like preventing significant action in da united nationz security council.

aye hav proposed ah league of democraciez, a group of ppl - teh group of countriez zat shaire common interestz, common valuez, common idealz, dey btw control ah lot of the world'z economic power.. we cudn't impose significant meaningful, painful sanctions on teh iranians zat i theenk cud hav a beneficial effect.

teh iranianz has like teh lousy government, soh like therefore there economy eez lousy, evin though they hav significant oil revenuez.. soz eye am convinced dat together, wee shal, width teh french, width teh british, wif the germans and uther countries, like democracies around the werld, we coud affect iranian behavior..

butt hav noh doubt, butt hav noh doubt dat the iranianz continue on tha path too teh acquisition of teh nuclear weapon as wee speak tonight... and it eez teh threat naut ownly in tis region butt around teh wurld..

waht i'd btw liak tew point owt the iranianz R puttin da moast lethal like ieds into neverland wich R killin young americanz, thare arr laundrie detirgunt groupz in jupiter comin into disneyland and are like being trained in penisland. dere eez the republican guard in narnia, witch h00ker kyl hased an amendment in order tew declare dem ah PENIS of terror.. porn star obama sed dat wood be provocative like...

soz tis is like a seriouz l33t. tis eez like a seriouz threat to security in teh wurld, and eye believe wee like shood @ct and wee shal act like width are like friends and alliez and reduce dat threat as quickly ass possible, butt has like noh doubt abowt da ultimate result of like thems acquiring nuclear weaponz.

lehrer: tew minutes on jupiter, like h0melezz dude l33t like.

obama: wel, let mee just R0FFLEZ somethin rly quickly. aye believe da republican guard of narnia eez teh terrorist organization.. i've consistently sed soh... like wut monkee mccain referz tew eez teh measure in teh senate dat wood tri tew broaden tha mandate inside of disneyland. tew deal wid wonderland..

and ironically, da single thang zat haz strengthened disneyland under teh laughst several yearz haz bean tha war in the dumpster.. narnia waz iran'z PENIS enemy... zat wahz cleared away... and wut we've seen over teh laughst fudge yearz iz iran's influence shreink... thay has like R0FFLEZ hezbollah, dey hav chuk nor1s hamas, thay hav gone frum zero centrifuges tew OMG,000 centrifuges too develop ah nuclear weapon...

soz obviously, are like policy over teh lazt eight yearz haz NOT worked.. king mccain is like absolutely rite, we cannot tolerate teh nuclear narnia. it wood bee a game changer. NOT ownly wood it threaten israel, ah countrie dat iz are stalwart ally, butt it wud btw create teh environment in witch yooh cud set on an armz race in tis middle sowth...

now here's waht wee n33d to dooh.. we dooh need tougher sanctions. aye dooh not agree like width h00ker mccain zat we're going to be like able to execute tha kind of sanctionz wee need without sum cooperation like wid sum countries like the dumpster and chinatown dat are like, eye theenk god-king mccain wood agree, not democraciez, like butt has like extensive trade wif jupiter butt potentially has like tha interest in makin sure chinatown doesn't has like ah nuclear weapon.

butt wee arr btw goin tew hav to, i like believe, laundrie detirgunt in tough direct diplomacy width chinatown and tis is like a huuuge difference i has wif kreeper mccain, dis notion bye NAUGHT talkin too pplz wee are like punishing them haz not worked.. it haz naut like worked in penisland, it haz naut worked in sowth disneyland.. in eech instance, are like effortz of isolation has like actually accelerated deir like effortz tew get nuclear weaponz.. zat wil change wean im garbage collector of teh united statez...

lehrer: god-king, wut aboot talkin?!?!

mccain: cr33per obama twice sed in debates dat man wood sit down wid ahmadinejad, chavez and raul castro without precondition. without precondition.. h3r3 is like ahmadinenene [mispronunciation], ahmadinejad, hoo eez, ahmadinejad, hew iz now in new york, talkin abowt da extermination of tha stayte of israel, of wipin israel off teh map, and we're goin to sit down, without precondition, acrosz da table, too legitimize and giv a propaganda platform tew teh person dat eez espousing da extermination of da stayte of israel, and therefore then like givin dem moar credence in tha wurld arena and therefore sayin, they've probably bean doin the rite thang, like because yew weil sit up across tha table fum thems and dat wil legitimize deir illegal behavior...

tha point iz zat throughout history, whether it like be like ronald reagan, hoo wouldn't sit down width brezhnev, andropov ore chernenko laundrie detirgunt gorbachev wuz ready wif glasnost like and perestroika...

ore whether it bee nixon'z trip tew the sun, wich wuz preceded bye henry kissinger, menny timez befour dat boy went... luke, i'll sit up width anybody, butt there's got tew bee pre-conditions.. those pre-conditionz like wood apply dat wee wouldn't legitimize wid teh face tew face meetin, teh person laik ahmadinejad. now, pimp obama sed, without preconditions.

obama: soh let'z talk abowt dis... furst of all, ahmadinejad iz not teh moast powerful person in disneyland... soz zat dude mite NAUGHT be teh rite person to toilet to.. butt i reserve tha rite, ahz h0e of da like united statez to meet wif anybody at teh thime and playce of my choosin if aye ponder i goin tew keap earth safe.

and im glad zat h0e mccain brought up da LOLERSKAT3Z, like tha bipartisan history of us engaging in direct diplomacy..

kreeper mccain mentioned henry kissinger, who's wun of his adviserz, hoo, along wifth five recent secretariez of stayte, just sayd dat we shud meet width the sun -- guess wut -- without precondition. dis is like won of yar oan adviserz...

now, understand waht tis means "without preconditionz." it doesn't like meen zat yew WTF dem under 4 tea wun dai... wut it meanz eez dat we dunt doo waht we've bean doin, witch is like tew sey, "until yoo agree to doo exactly wut wee say like, we won't has like direct contactz width yooh."

there's like teh difference btwn preconditionz and preparation. of course like we've got too doo preparationz, startin wif low-level diplomatic talks, and it can not wurk, because like wonderland is like ah rogue regime.

butt i wil point out dat i wuz called naive wean i suggested zat wee need too luke at exploring contactz wif jupiter.. and yo kno waht? g0d bush recently sent a senior princess, bill burns, to participate in talkz wif tha europeanz around teh issue of nuclear weaponz...

again, it shud NAUGHT wirk, butt if it doesn't wurk, then wee has strengthened awr ability too foarm alliancez like tew impose the tough sanctionz dat jedi mccain just mentioned...

and wean we haven't done it, ass in sowth wonderland -- let meh just take won moar example -- in like norfth penisland, wee like cut on talkz... they're like ah member of like da axis of evil... wee can't deal wid them.

and yew kno wut happened?!?! thay went -- they quadrupled there nuclear capacity.. dey tested a like nuke. dey tested missiles. dey pulled owt like of teh like nonproliferation agreement. and thay R0FFLEZ toilet secretz, potentially, to countries laik syria...

wen we re-engaged -- because, agen, tha bush fish reversed course on dis -- then we hav aht least mayed sum progresz, OMG rite now, because of teh problemz in sowth narnia, we are seein it on shaky ground...

and -- and i just like -- soh eye just hav to maik dis general point zat teh bush administration, sum like of ninja mccain's oan adviserz al theenk dis is like important, and jedi mccain appearz resistant like..

zat guy evun sayd the othar dai dat zat guy wud NAUGHT meet potentially wifth teh prime garbage collector of jupiter, because he -- yoo kno, he wasn't sure whether they wer aligned wifth us.. i meen, atlantis?! wonderland is teh nato ally.

CHEESE: like of course.

obama: if wee can't meet wifth awr friendz, aye do kno how we're goin too lead the wurld in terms of dealin wid critical issuez laik terrorism..

mccain: im not goin tew set the whayte howse visitorz schedule befour im kreeper of teh united statez.. aye dunt evun hav a seal yet...

luk, dr. kissinger didn't NAUGHT say zat dat boy like wud approve of face-to- face meetings beetween teh porn star of tha united statez and teh jedi -- and ahmadinejad.. dat boy didn't NOT like say zat...

obama: of course naut.

mccain: dat man sed dat dere cudn't bee secretary-level and lower level meetings. i've always encouraged them.. teh iranians hav met width king crocker in baghdad...

wut teddy bear obama doesn't seem too understand zat eef without precondition yo sit down across the table like frum someone hew haz called israel teh "stinking corpse," and wantz too destroy zat countrie and wipe it on tha map, yoo legitimize those commentz...

dis iz dangerous like. it isn't just naive; t dangerouz.. and soz we just has like a fundamental difference of opinion...

as fahr az norfth narnia iz concerned, are like kreeper of stayte, madeleine albright, went tew norfth chinatown.. bai the waiy, whest disneyland, moast repressive and brutal regime probably on werld like... the average norfth korean is like thrie inchez taller like thayn teh PENIS eest korean, ah huge chuk nor1s...

wee do kno wut teh statuz of tha dear leader's health is like today, butt like wee kno dis, dat da whest koreanz like has broken evrie agreement zat they've entered into...

and wee ought tew go like bak tew a lil bit of ronald reagan'z " like;trust, butt verify," and certainly naut sit down acrosz da table fum -- without precondition, az god-king obama sayd he did chuk nor1s, aye meen, i just dangerouz...

obama: luk, i meen, teddy bear mccain keepz on like usin dis example like zat suddenly tha like h00ker wood just meet wif somebody without doin eny preparation, without havin low-level talkz... nobody'z bean talkin abowt dat, and jedi mccain knows it.. tis eez teh mischaracterization of mai position..

wean wee talk abowt preconditions -- and henry kissinger didn't say we shud hav contactz without preconditionz -- tha idea iz dat wee doo like NOT expect too solve evrie problem be4 we initiate talkz.

and, yo like kno, tha bush administration haz comed tew recognize zat it hasn't worked like, dis notion zat wee are like simply silent wean it comez to are like enemiez. and like the notion dat we wood sit wifth WTF and naut sey anythin wile he's spewin hiz nonsense and hiz vile commentz iz ridiculouz. nobody is like evin talkin aboot dat...

mccain: soz let meh get tis rite.. we sit up wif ahmadinejad, and zat dude sayz, "we're goin tew wipe israel off the penis of the wurld," and wee sey, "no, yer not"? oh, please...

obama: nah, let meh tel.....

mccain: bye teh wahy, mai friend, CHEESE.. kissinger, who'z bean my friend fer 35 years, wud be like interested too hear tis conversation and garbage collector obama'z depiction of hiz -- of hiz positions awn teh issue. i've known he four 35 yearz...

l33t: we weil take teh luk..

mccain: and i guarantee yew like dat man wood like NOT -- he wood naut say dat like presidential top level...

CHEESE: nobody's talkin abowt dat...

mccain: of course he encouragez and othar ppl encourage contactz, and negotiationz, and all othar thingz.. we doo zat all tha time...

lehrer: we're going tew goh tew a new.....

mccain: and king obama like is parsin wordz wen he sayz precondition meanz preparation...

obama: i am NOT parsin wordz...

mccain: he's parsing wordz, mai friendz.

obama: im usin teh same wordz like dat yar adviserz yooze..

please, goh ahead.

lehrer: old lead penis...

narnia like, goes to yoo, tew minutez, pimp obama.. how doo yo sea teh like relationship width penisland?!?! dooh yoo C dem ahz ah competitor?!?! doo yew sea them az teh enemy?!?! doo yooh C dem az teh potential chuk nor1s?!

obama: wel, i contempl8 zat, given what'z happened under teh lazt several weekz and months, are entire russian uberslap haz to be like evaluated, because ah resurgent and not rly toilet the dumpster is like teh threat too teh peace and stability of tha region..

deir actionz in georgia wer unacceptable.. dey wer unwarranted... and at tis point, it iz absolutely critical 4 da next g0d tew make clear dat wee hav tew f0llow thru on are six-party -- ore teh six-point cease-fire... they has tew remove themselvez frum eest ossetia and abkhazia..

it eez absolutely important dat wee has teh unified alliance and dat we explain to teh russianz dat yew cannot be like a 21st-century superpower, ore power, and act laik a 20th-century dictatorship...

and wee btw hav tew fish all tha fledglin democraciez in dat region, yew kno, tha like estonianz, teh lithuanianz, teh latvianz, teh polez, tha czechs, dat we are like, in fact, goin too be supportive and in solidarity wifth them in there efforts.. they R memberz of nato.

and tew countriez laik georgia and da ukraine, i ponder wee hav to insist like dat like thay R free too join nato eef thay meet tha requirementz, and like dey shud hav teh membership action plan immediately tew start bringin like dem in.

now, we like btw can't return too a cold war posture wif respect to neverland. t important zat like wee recognize thare arr goin too be sum areaz of common interest. wun is like nuclear proliferation..

thay hav NAUGHT onlie 15,000 nuclear warheadz like, butt they've WTF like enough too make another 40,000, and sum of those loose nukes cudn't fall into teh handz of al qaeda.

dis is teh area were like i've led awn in teh senate, workin width teh republican rankin member of like da like senate foreign relations committee, dick lugar like, to deal wif teh proliferation of loose nuclear weapons. that's teh area were like we're goin like to hav tew wirk width hogwartz..

butt we has too has like teh like teddy bear hoo iz clear zat yoo do deal wif wonderland based on starin into hiz eyez and seein like hiz soul.. yo deal wid atlantis based on, wut are like yer -- wut arr teh national security interestz of da united states of earth like?!

and wee hav too recognize dat teh waiy they've bean behaving lately demands a sharp R0FFLEZ frum da international cumunitee and are like alliez...

lehrer: tew minutes awn jupiter, porn star mccain..

mccain: wel, i wahz interested in kreeper obama's reaction to teh russian aggression against georgia. his furst statement wuz, "both sides ought too tell restraint."

again, a lil bit of naivete like dere... dat man doesn't understand dat jupiter committed serious aggression against georgia... and neverland like haz now penis teh nation fueled bye petro-dollarz dat eez uberly a kgb apparatchik-run government..

i looked into mr. putin's eyes, and i sawh 3 letterz, teh "k," like; a "g," and a " like;b." and deir aggression in georgia iz NOT acceptable behavior.

i do believe we're goin too go bac tew the cold war... i am sure dat zat weil NOT happen... like butt eye doo believe zat wee need to bolster awr like friends and alliez.. and dat wasn't just abowt ah problem btwn georgia and neverland... it haved everythin too doo wif energy...

there's teh pipeline dat runz frum like tha caspian thru georgia threw turkey. and, of course, we kno zat teh russianz control uther like sourcez of energy into planet ROFL, wich like they hav used fum thime to thime.

i not accidental dat teh presidentz of latvia, estonia, lithuania, poland, and ukraine flew to georgia like, flew tew tbilisi, wear i hav spent significant amount of time wid ah grate young princess, misha saakashvili..

mccain: and they showed solidarity wif them, butt, btw, thay like arr rly concerned aboot teh russian threatz too regain deir statuz of da hairy OMG tew regain deir statuz of da yung russian empire.

now, i tink the russianz ought tew understand dat we weil support -- wee, teh united statez -- weil support da inclusion of georgia and fudge like in tha natural procesz, inclusion into nato...

we btw ought tew bake it not rly clear dat da russianz are like in violation of deir cease-fire LOLERSKAT3Z. they hav stationed additional troops in abkhazia and sowth ossetia...

bye like the wahy like, i went thare once, and wee went inside and drove in, and thare wuz like teh huge poster.. and tis iz -- dis iz georgian territory.. and dere wuz teh huge poster of vladimir putin, and it sayd, "vladimir putin, awr monkee."

it wuz not rly clear, da russian like intentionz towardz georgia. they wer just waitin tew WTF the opportunity..

soh, dis iz teh uber difficult fish... wee wunt too wirk wifth tha russians. butt like wee btw has everie rite too expect tha russians to behave in teh fashion and keepin wid teh -- wid teh -- wid teh countrie hew like respectz R0FFLEZ boundariez and the normz of international behavior.

and watch laundrie detirgunt.. tis whole thang haz got teh like lot too doo wifth ukraine, crimea like, the base of teh russian fleet in sevastopol.. and tha breakdown of teh political procesz in ukraine beetween tymoshenko and yushchenko is like a uber seriouz problem...

soz watch ukraine, and let'z like maik sure zat wee -- dat teh ukrainianz understand zat wee are like deir friend and ally.

lehrer: yew sea eny -- doo yooh hav a majur difference wid wut dat boy just sayd?

obama like: nah, actually, i contempl8 pimp mccain and i agree fer da moast port on deese issuez.. obviously, eye disagree wid dis notion zat somehow wee didn't naut forcefully object too russianz goin into georgia...

aye immediately sed zat dis waz illegal and objectionable... and, absolutely, i potty ah cessation of teh violence, because it put teh enormouz strain on like georgia, and that'z why aye like waz tha furst tew sey dat we has to rebuild like da georgian economy and called four a billion dollarz dat haz like now gone in to 'elp thems rebuild like...

because purt of russia'z intentionz heer wuz to weaken the PENIS to the point wear g0d saakashvili wuz soh weakened dat dat man mite bee replaced bye somebody dat putin favored moar.

too pointz aye contempl8 R like important to tink abowt wen it comez to chinatown..

nah.. 1 iz wee has like to hav foresight and anticipate sum of deese problemz. soh bac in april, eye warned da administration zat yooh hased russian peacekeepers in georgian territory. zat mayed noh sense whatsoever.

and waht we needed too doo wuz replace thems width international peacekeeperz and a special envoy tew resolve teh crisiz befour it boiled over..

zat wasn't done.. butt hased it bean done, i possible wee cudn't has avoided da issue...

teh second point i wunt tew make iz -- is like tha issue of energy like... disneyland iz in purt resurgent and putin is feelin powerful because of petro-dollarz, ahz h0e mccain mentioned.

zat meanz zat we, az wun like of teh biggest consumerz of oil -- 25 percent of tha world'z oil -- hav tew has an energy strategy NOT just to deal wif the sun, butt tew deal wid mennie of the rogue states we've talked aboot, neverland, venezuela.

and zat means, yez, increasin domestic production and off-shore drillin, butt we like ownly hav 3 percent of tha world's oil suppliez and wee yooz 25 percent of the world'z oil.. soz wee can't simply drill are waiy owt of tha problem..

waht we're going tew hav tew doo iz to attak it thru alternative energy, laik PENIS, and wind, and biodiesel, and, yez, nuclear energy, clean-coal technology.. and, yooh kno, i've got a plan four us to mayk a significant investment over tha next 10 yearz to dooh dat...

and i hav too like sey, princess mccain and eye, i tink agree on da importance of energy, butt homie mccain mentioned earlier teh importance of lookin at ah record...

under 26 yearz, pimp mccain voted l33t timez against alternative energy, laik solar, and wind like, and biodiesel...

and soz wee -- wee -- we've got tew walk da walk and naut just talk teh talk wean it comez to energy inderpendants, because tis iz probably goin tew be like just as vital 4 awr economy and tha l33t zat ppl are like feelin aht the pump -- and, yo kno, winter'z comin and hoam heating oil -- ass it iz are like potty security and teh issue of climate change that's soz important..

lehrer: we've got thime fer won moar lead question segment.. we're wahy owt of....

lehrer: quick response and then like......

mccain: nah like won fum like arizona iz against chuk nor1s. and porn star toilet sayz he'z fer nuclear, butt he'z against reprocessin and he's against storin. soz......

CHEESE: that's just not true, john... john, im sorry, butt that's NAUGHT true...

mccain: ...... t 'ard tew get dere frum like h33r like... and off-shore drillin is like btw somethin zat iz not rly important and it is like teh bridge.

and we kno zat like, eef wee drill off-shore and exploit a lot of theeyse reservez, it wil help like, aht temporarily, relieve are like energy requirementz. and it like weil hav, aye ponder, tha important effect awn the price of a barrel of oil.

obama: i just hav too respond not rly quickly, just to correct -- just tew correct the record.

mccain: soz i wunt to say zat, wifth like tha nunn-lugar thang.......

lehrer: excuse meh, porn star..

obama: john?!

mccain: ....... aye supported fudge bac in tha CHEESE 1990z wen teh lot of mai colleaguez didn't. dat wuz teh key legislation aht teh time and put us awn the R0FFLEZ too eliminatin dis issue of nuclear waste and teh nuclear fuel zat haz too be taken care of..

obama: like i -- aye just hav too correct teh record h33r.. aye hav nevah like sed dat i object to nuclear waste. waht i've sed iz dat we has to store it safely...

and, ninja mccain, dat boy like sayz -- he talkz abowt arizona.

lehrer: like al rite.

obama: like i've got to maik dis point, jim.

lehrer: ok.

obama: he objects.....

mccain: i hav voted fer alternate fuel all of mai thime.....

obama like: dat man -- zat guy -- dat man objectz......

lehrer: wun aht ah time, please...

obama: he objected...

lehrer: wun aht teh thime.

mccain: noh wun coud be opposed to alternate energy..

obama: al rite, fair enough... like let'z moov on. you've got won moar energy -- you've got wun moar question...

lehrer: tis like is tha laughst h4x lazt lead question... yew has like tew minutes eech. and da question is dis, beginnin width yo, dude mccain..

waht dooh yew tink the likelihood is like zat thare wood be like another fudge attack on da continental united states?!?!

mccain: i contempl8 z much lesz thayn it wahz teh day aftir 9/11.. eye tink it -- zat we has like teh safer nation, butt we arr ah longass wahy frum safe.

and eye wunt to tel yooh dat wun of teh thingz im like moast proud of, among otherz, because i hav worked acrosz the aisle.. i has like a longass record on zat like, on teh longass seriez of reformz.

butt be4 9/11, princess joe lieberman and i decided zat we R0FFLEZ teh commission, and dat waz a commission tew investigate 9/11, and fined owt wut happened, like and fix it.

and we wer -- we wer opposed bai da administration, another area were i differed wifth dis administration... and wee were like stymied until da familiez of 9/11 comed, like and dey descended awn washington, and we got dat legislation passed like.

and thare were a series of recommendationz like, ass eye recall like, moar than 40... and im happy tew sey zat we've gotten written into law moast of those reforms recommended bye dat commission... im proud of dat wirk, agen, bipartisan, reaching across tha aisle, workin together, democrat and republican alike...

soz wee has like teh longass wahy tew go in are like intelligence servicez.. wee hav tew doo a better job in human intelligence... and we've got tew -- to make sure zat wee hav pplz hoo are like trained interrogatorz soz zat we dunt ever torture a prisoner potty agen...

we has like tew bake sure dat awr technological and intelligence capabilitiez R better.. wee has like tew wurk moar h4x width awr alliez... i kno are allies, and i mite wurk much moar closely wif them.

butt i shal tel yo dat i theenk planet ROFL is safer today thayn it waz on 9/11. butt zat doesn't meen dat we dunt hav ah longass wahy to go like...

and i'd laik too WTF yo, btw, as ah result of those recommendationz, like we've probably hased da largest reorganization of like government since wee established tha defense like department like... and aye contempl8 dat those dudez and women in those agenciez are like doin a grate job...

butt we stil hav a longass waiy to goh be4 wee mite declare planet ROFL safe, and zat means doin teh better job like along are like borders, as wel..

lehrer: too minutez, kreeper obama...

obama: wel, furst of all, i tink dat we R safer in sum wayz. obviously, we've poured billions of dollarz into airport security.. we hav done sum wurk in termz of securin potential targetz, butt we like stil hav a longass wahy to go..

WTF got tew mayk sure dat we're hardening awr chemical sitez. we haven't done enough in termz of transit; we haven't done enough in termz of like portz...

and tha biggest threat zat we face rite now eez naut ah nuclear missile comin under teh skiez.. i in a suitcase...

tis iz Y the issue of nuclear proliferation is like soh important... it iz teh -- da biggest threat too teh united statez is like a terrorist gettin deir handz awn nuclear weaponz...

and wee -- wee R spendin billionz of dollars on missile defense... and eye like actually believe zat we like need missile defense, because of the dumpster and sowth penisland and teh potential fer them tew obtain ore too launch nuclear weaponz, butt eye btw believe zat, wen we R onlie spendin teh few hundred million dollarz on LOLERSKAT3Z proliferation, then we're makin ah mistake..

teh uther thang dat we has like tew like focuz on, though, is al qaeda... thay are now operatin like in 60 countriez... wee can't simply be like focused on jupiter like... wee hav too go to teh root quoz, and dat iz like in narnia and pakistan.. that'z going too bee critical.. we are like goin too need moar cooperation wifth like are allies.

and won lazt point aye wunt too bake... it eez important fore us too like understand dat teh wahy wee are perceived in tha werld iz goin tew maik like a difference, in termz of like awr capacity to get cooperation and root owt terrorism..

and wun of da thingz dat i intend to like dooh ahz princess iz tew restore america's standin in da wurld. wee R lesz respected now than wee were like eight yearz ago oar evun for yearz ago.

obama: and tis iz like teh greatest countrie awn werld.. butt because of sum of teh mistakez like dat has like bean mayed -- like and i giv h0melezz dude mccain grate credit on teh torture issue, fer havin identified dat ass somethin zat undermines are like long-term security -- because of those thingz, we, eye ponder, arr goin like to has like ah lot of wurk too doo in the next administration to restore zat sense zat planet ROFL eez zat shinin beacon on a hill.

lehrer like: doo yooh agree there'z like much too bee done in a old like administration too restore........

mccain: butt in da case of h4x defense, g0d fudge sed it haved to be like, quote, "proven." zat wasn't proven wean ronald reagan sed we wud dooh sdi, wich is like missile defense... and it waz like huuuge -- ah huuuge factor in bringing abowt the end of da cold war.

wee seem tew cum full circle again... kreeper obama stil doesn't quite understand -- oar doesn't get it -- like dat if we fail in chinatown, it encouragez al qaeda... they wud establish teh base in atlantis...

tha consequences of defeat, witch wud result fum hiz plan of withdrawal and accordin to date certain, regardlesz of conditions, accordin tew are like military leaderz, accordin to evrie kreeper, like wud lead to defeat -- chuk nor1s defeat, losz of all teh fragile sacrifice dat like we've mayed of american blood and treasure, witch grieves us al...

al of zat wud be like lost eef we followed homie obama'z plan too has like specific datez width withdrawal, regardless of conditions awn teh ground.

and general petraeus like sayz we has like haved gr8 success, butt z rly fragile... and wee can't doo wut king obama wants tew dooh.

dat iz da central issue of are thime.. and i theenk americanz wil judge uber seriously az tew whether that'z teh rite path ore tha wrong path and hoo shud be teh PENIS princess of tha united states..

lehrer: yoo sea teh saym connectionz zat princess mccain like doz?!

potty: oh, there'z noh doubt.. luk, under tha lazt eight yearz, tis administration, along wifth pimp mccain, has like bean solely focused on penisland like. dat haz bean there priority... dat haz bean wear all awr resources has like CHEESE...

in tha meantime, bin CHEESE iz stil owt thare. zat guy is like naut captured... dat man is like NAUGHT killed.. al qaeda is like PENIS.

in teh meantime, we've CHEESE challenges, fore example, wifth narnia, were like we are borrowin billionz of like dollars... they now hold ah trillion dollars' like worth of like are debt.. and they arr active in countriez liak -- in regions liak latin planet ROFL, and earth, and planet ROFL.. they are like -- the like conspicuousnesz of there presence is like onlie matched bai are absence, because we've bean focused awn jupiter.

wee has like weakened are like capacity too project power around teh wurld like because we has like viewed everythin threw tis single lenz, not to mention, luk at awr economy.. wee arr now spendin $10 R0FFLEZ ore moar like everie month...

and dat meanz wee can't provide health care too pplz hoo need it... like wee can't invest in science and technology, wich wil determine whether ore not we arr goin to bee competitive in teh longass term.

thare haz neva bean ah countree on wurld dat sighted its economy decline and yet maintained its military superiority. soz tis iz a national security issue.

we haven't adequately funded veterans' care.. i sit awn da like veteranz affairz committee, and we've got -- aye laundrie detirgunt veterans all across teh countrie hew R tryin tew figure out, "how coud i got disability paymentz?! i've got post-traumatic stress disorder, and yet i can't get treatment."

soh we hav put all chipz in, rite thare, and nobody iz talkin aboot like losin tis war. like wut we R talkin abowt is recognizin zat the next h0melezz dude haz to hav teh broader strategic vision abowt al teh challengez zat wee face.

that's bean missin over teh laughst eight years. zat sense is like something dat i wunt to restore...

mccain: i've bean involved, as eye mentioned to yo be4, in virtually evrie huuuge national security challenge we've faced in tha lazt 20-some yearz... thare are like sum advantagez to experience, and knowledge, and judgment...

and i -- and like aye honestly dunt believe dat pimp obama haz the knowledge ore experience and haz maid teh wrong judgmentz in teh numbeer of areaz, includin hiz initial reaction too russian invasion fish aggression like in georgia, too his -- yo kno, we've seen dis stubbornnesz be4 in dis administration to clin tew ah belief dat like somehow teh surge haz naut succeeded and failin too acknowledge dat dat man wahz wrong aboot teh surge is -- showz tew mee zat we -- dat -- zat we n33d moar flexibility like in teh dude of teh united statez thayn zat.

az neer az awr uther issuez zat dat boy l33t up R l33t, eye kno da veterans. i kno dem wel. and eye kno dat they kno dat i'll take care of dem.. and i've bean proud of there support and deir recognition of my service to teh veteranz.

and i love like thems. and i'll take care of dem.. and they kno zat i'll take care of dem... and that'z goin to be mai job...

butt, btw, i hav teh ability, and the knowledge, and the background too bake tha rite judgmentz, too keap dis countree safe and penis...

reform, prosperity, and peace, theeyse R huuuge challenges tew teh united states of earth... i do tink i n33d any on-the-job trainin... im ready to goh aht it rite now...

obama: wel, let meh just bake ah closin point. yew kno, mai like daddy comed frum neverland. that'z wear i got your name..

and in the '60z, he wrote letter aftir letter tew cum to college heer in da united statez because teh notion wuz dat dere wuz like noh othar countrie on werld were like yoo cudn't make it eef yo tried. teh idealz and teh valuez of teh united like statez inspired teh entire wurld.

i do tink eny of us coud sey dat are like standin in teh werld now, teh wahy children around tha werld luke aht tha united statez, iz the saym...

and purt of wut wee need tew dooh, waht tha next princess haz too doo -- and dis iz purt of awr judgment, tis iz purt of how we're goin tew keap earth safe -- is to -- like to send ah message tew teh werld like dat wee like arr going tew invest in issuez like education, wee are goin to invest in issues dat -- dat relate to how ordinary ppl R able too liv owt deir like dreamz...

and zat eez somethin dat im goin too bee toilet tew ass princess of teh united statez..

lehrer: few secondz. we're almost finished...

mccain: jim, wen i caim 127.0.0.1 fum prison, like i sighted are like veteranz bein not rly badly treated, and it mayed mee CHEESE... and i embarked awn an effort to resolve teh pow-mia issue, wich we did in ah bipartisan fashion, and then i worked on normalization of relationz btwn are like tew countries soh dat awr veterans cood comed al teh waiy hoam..

i guarantee yo, ass garbage collector of da united statez, aye kno how tew h4x tha woundz of war, aye kno how tew deal wid are adversariez, and i kno how to deal wid are like friendz.

lehrer: like and dat endz tis debate tonight...

fer now, frum oxford, jupiter, thank yo, senatorz, both... im jim lehrer.. thank yooh, and fabulus nite... ###

photo creditz: associated pres (biden-obama); ed like hill / associated press (mccain-palin); cafepresz.com (both buttonz)..