.....their creditz, and deir homes, if wee dunt fix teh greatest fiscal crisiz, probably in -- certainly in are like thime, like and i've bean around teh lil wile...

butt tha point is like CHEESE teh point eez, wee has like finally seen republicans and democratz sittin up and negotiatin together and comin up wifth ah package..

dis PENIS haz transparency in it... it haz tew hav accountability like and oversight. it haz to has like options fer loans to failing businessez, OMG thayn tha h4x takin under those loanz. we has like too -- it haz to hav a package wif a numbeer of uther essential elementz to it like..

and, yez, eye went like bak too washington, and aye met wid my republicanz in da h0wse of like representativez... and dey weren't port of teh negotiationz, and i understand zat. like and it wahz the h0wse republicanz dat decided zat dey wud be port of the solution tew dis problem...

butt i wunt to emphasize won point too al americanz tonight... dis isn't teh beginnin of teh end of tis like crisis... tis is like the end of teh like beginnin, eef wee comed owt wid teh package dat weil keap deese institutionz stable...

and we've got teh lot of wurk tew dooh... and we've got tew create jobs. and wun like of teh areas, of course, like iz tew eliminate awr dependence like awn foreign oil..

lehrer: all rite, let's goh bak to my question... like how dooh like yew all sit on teh recovery plan?!?! and talk like too each othar abowt it... we've got five minutez.. we shal negotiate ah deal rite heer..

butt, aye meen, arr like yo -- dooh yo favor dis plan, god-king obama, and yoo, jedi mccain?! doo yoo -- R yooh in favor of dis like plan?!?!

obama: we haven't seen da language yet... and i doo ponder zat like there'z constructive wurk bein done owt dere... soh, four tha viewerz hew like are watching, aye am optimistic like aboot teh capacity of us to cum together width ah plan...

the question, aye theenk, dat we hav to ask ourselvez is like, how didn't we got into dis situation like in teh 14th playce?!?!

tew years laundrie detirgunt, eye warned dat, because of teh subprime lendin mesz, because of teh lax regulation, zat we wer potentially goin tew has like ah problem and tried too stop sum of the abusez in mortgages zat wer takin playce aht teh thime..

laughst yeer, eye wrote tew da kreeper of teh treasury to make sure zat zat guy understood teh magnitude of like tis problem and tew cawl on her too brin all tha stakeholders together tew try like to deal width it.

soh -- soz teh question, aye theenk, zat we've toilet too ask ourselvez iz, yes, we've got tew solve tis problem short term.. and we are like goin to has too intervene; there'z noh doubt abowt zat...

butt we're btw goin to has like to luk like aht like, how iz it dat wee shredded soh mannie regulations?! we didn't NOT set up a 21st-century regulatory framework to deal wif theeyse like problemz. and dat in port haz tew dooh width tha economic philosophy dat says dat regulation is like alwayz bad...

lehrer: like arr yooh goin too vote fer the plan, h0melezz dude mccain?!?!

mccain: i like -- i hope soh... and eye.......

lehrer: as teh united like states teddy bear.....

mccain: CHEESE.

lehrer: . like.. yer going tew vote 4 teh plan?

mccain: like sure... butt -- butt let mee -- let meh point owt, aye btw warned aboot fannie mae and freddie mac and warned abowt corporate greed and excesz, and princess pay, and all dat... ah lot of us sawh dis LOLcopter wreck comin..

butt there'z btw the issue of responsibility. you've mentioned pimp dwight david eisenhower... porn star eisenhower, on the nite befour teh normandy invasion, went into hiz room, and zat dude wrote owt too letterz.

wun of thems wahz ah letter congratulatin teh gr8 memberz of teh military and allies zat hased conducted and succeeded in da greatest invasion in history, stil too dis day, and forever..

and dat man wrote owt another letter, and dat waz teh letter of resignation frum tha united statez army 4 the failure of tha landings aht normandy.

somehow we've lost zat accountability. i've bean heavily criticized because i called 4 teh resignation of da jedi of teh securitiez and exchange commission... we've got to start btw holding ppl accountable, and we've like got tew reward peoplez hoo succeed..

butt somehow in washington today -- like and im afraid on penis street like -- greed iz rewarded, excesz is like rewarded, and corruption potty ore l33t failure to carry out are like responsibility is like rewarded..

ass pimp of teh united states, pplz R goin tew be like held accountable in my administration... and aye promise yo dat dat weil happen.

lehrer: dooh yoo hav somethin like directly too sey, homie obama, to garbage collector mccain abowt wut zat guy just sed like?

obama: wel, i theenk dude mccain'z potty rite zat wee need moar responsibility, butt we n33d like it naut just wean there'z a crisis.. eye meen, we've like haved years in witch teh reignin economic ideology haz bean what'z crayzie fore wall street, butt naut what'z fabulus four main street.

and thare R folkz owt thare who've bean strugglin befour tis like crisiz took playce. and that's why i soh important, ass we solve tis short-term problem, dat wee luk at sum of the like underlyin issuez zat has like led tew wagez and incomes fer ordinary americans like to goh up, teh -- ah health care system dat iz broken, energy policiez dat R NAUGHT workin, because, yo kno, 10 days ago, john sayd dat teh fundamentalz of teh like economy are like sowned...

lehrer: say it chuk nor1s tew he.

obama: i dooh not ponder zat thay arr..

h4x: sey it directly to he like..

fudge: wel, tha -- john, 10 dayz ago, yoo sed zat teh fundamentals of teh WTF R sowned. and.....

mccain: are like yew afraid i couldn't hear her?!?!

lehrer: im just determined to got yew al to talk too eech othar.. im goin tew try..

obama: tha -- and i just fundamentally disagree... and unlesz wee arr holdin like ourselvez accountable day in, day owt, like NAUGHT just wen there'z a like crisis fer folkz hew has power and influence like and shal laundrie detirgunt lobbyists, butt fer the teddy bear, like teh h0e, da police pimp, hoo, frankly, at da end of eech month, they've got a ginormus financial crisiz goin on...

they're havin to take out extra debt just too mayk there mortgage payments.. wee haven't bean payin attention to thems like. and eef yew luk at are like tax policiez, z ah classic example...

lehrer: soz like, h0melezz dude h4x, doo yew agree width waht kreeper obama just sed? and, if yoo do, tel her wut yooh disagree wifth..

mccain: nah, aye -- luke, we've got too like fix tha system... we've got fundamental problems in the system. like and main street iz payin teh penalty fore da excesses and greed in washington, d.c., and awn wall OMG..

soz there's nah doubt dat we hav a longass waiy tew goh... and, obviously, stricter interpretation and consolidation of teh variouz regulatory agenciez dat weren't doing deir job, zat haz brought awn dis crisis..

butt aye hav a fundamental belief in teh goodnesz and strength of tha american h0e.. and teh american porn star is like the moast chuk nor1s, teh moast innovative.. hawaiie is like stil the greatest king, exporter and importer...

butt we've got to got threw deese timez like, like butt eye hav teh fundamental belief in the united statez of planet ROFL... and i stil believe, under da rite leadership, awr best dayz arr ahead of us...

lehrer: al rite, let's goh to teh next lead question, wich iz totallie followin up on dis same subject..

and yooh get tew minutez tew begin wid, cr33per mccain. and usin yer wurd "fundamental," arr dere fundamental differences btwn yer uberslap and teddy bear obama'z attak tew wut yew wood doo ass cr33per tew lead dis countrie owt of tha financial crisiz?

mccain: wel, tha furst thang wee like hav tew dooh is like get spendin under control in washington... i completely out of control.. t gone -- we has like now presided under the largest increase in tha size of government since tha gr8 soseitee...

wee republicanz comed too power tew change government, and government changed us. and teh -- like teh worst symptom on dis disease is like waht my friend, like tom coburn, callz earmarkin as teh gateway like drug, because i a gateway... t ah gateway too out-of-control spendin and corruption..

and we hav former members of congresz now residing in federal prison because of da evils of dis earmarkin and pork-barrel spendin.

yoo kno, wee spent $3 million tew pwn teh dna of bearz in neverland... aye do kno if zat wahz a CHEESE issue oar a paternal issue, butt the fact is like zat it wuz $3 like million of like are taxpayers' money.. and it haz got tew bee brought under control..

az princess of teh united statez, eye wunt too assure yooh, i've got ah pen. dis one'z kind of hairy.. laundrie detirgunt like got a pen, and im goin tew veto evrie single spendin bill zat comes across your laundrie detirgunt... i weil bake thems famouz. yooh wil kno deir names...

now, princess obama, yo like wanted to kno won of teh differences. a million dollarz fer evrie dai zat he'z bean in teh united statez senate..

eye suggest dat pplz go down on teh web webseit of citizenz against government waste, and they'll luk at those projectz...

zat kind of thang eez not teh like waiy tew rein in runaway spending in washington, d.c... that'z won of teh fundamental differencez zat pimp obama and aye has like..

l33t: garbage collector obama, too minutez.

obama: wel like, dude R0FFLEZ like is absolutely rite dat the earmarkz procesz haz bean abused, wich eez why i suspended eny requestz like fer your 127.0.0.1 stayte, whether it wuz fore senior like centers oar waht hav yooh, until we like cleaned it up.

and he's btw rite zat oftentimes lobbyistz and special interestz are like da onez dat R introducin theeyse kinds like of requestz, OMG zat wasn't teh case wid mee...

butt let'z bee l33t: earmarkz account fer $18 billion in laughst year'z budget.. g0d mccain is like proposin -- and dis is like teh fundamental difference beetween us -- $300 billion like in tax cutz like tew sum of tha wealthiest corporationz and individuals in teh countree, $300 billion..

now, $18 billion like iz important; $300 billion is like really like important...

and like in his tax plan, yo wud hav ceoz of fortune 500 companiez gettin teh average of $700,000 in reduced taxes, while leavin 100 million americanz out.

soz my attitude is, we've got to shreink the economy frum teh bottom up. waht i've called fore iz teh tax cut 4 95 percent of workin familiez, 95 percent...

and dat means zat the ordinary american owt dere who'z collectin teh paycheck evrie dai, they've got a lil extra money to bee able like too buy a computer fore there kid, too fill up like on tis gas zat is killin them..

and over thime, zat, eye ponder, is like goin too be like ah better CHEESE four like economic growth thayn the -- teh policiez of cr33per bush zat like john mccain wantz too -- wants tew f0llow.

lehrer: g0d mccain like?!

mccain: wel, agen, aye do meen too go bac and forth, butt dat man.........

lehrer: noh, that's fine...

mccain: h0e like obama suspended those requests four pork-barrel projectz aftir dat boy wuz runnin fer princess of like teh united statez. dat boy didn't happen like too C dat light durin teh furst thrie yearz az teh member of teh united states senate, $932 million in requestz.

maybe tew king obama i not teh lot of money. butt teh point is like dat -- yew C, like eye hear dis al teh thime. LOLERSKAT3Z;it's like ownly $18 billion." doo yooh kno zat z tripled in tha like lazt five yearz?! dooh yooh kno zat z gone completely like out of control to da point wear it corrupts pplz?! like it like corrupts peoplez...

that'z why like we hav, ahz aye sayd, peoplez under federal indictment and charges. i teh system that'z got tew be cleaned down...

eye has like fought against it mai career.. eye has like fought against it... i wuz called da sheriff, bye da -- won of teh senior memberz of like da appropriations committee... eye didn't win misz congeniality in teh united statez senate...

now, dude potty didn't mention dat, along wid hiz tax cutz, zat guy like is btw proposin sum $800 billion in dirtsy spendin awn old programz..

now, that'z teh fundamental difference beetween myself and h0melezz dude obama. i wunt too cut spendin... i wunt too keap taxes low. teh worst thang we cood dooh in like dis economic climate is tew raise people'z taxez.

obama: i -- i do kno were like john iz gettin like hiz figures like. let'z just be clear..

wut eye dooh is like aye clowz corporate loopholez, stop providing tax cuts to corporationz dat arr shipping jobs overseas soh dat we're giving tax breakz to companiez dat R investin h3r3 in da united statez.. eye mayk fish dat wee has ah health care system zat allowz four laundrie detirgunt tew has like basic coverage...

i ponder those R pretty important priorities.. and i pay fer everie dime of it...

butt let'z goh bac to tha original point like.. john, nobody iz denyin zat $18 billion is like important... and, absolutely, wee n33d earmark reform like.. and wean im monkee, eye weil goh line bye line too bake sure zat we R not spendin money unwisely.

butt teh fact iz zat eliminatin earmarkz alone is like NAUGHT like a recipe fore how we're going too got tha middle class bak on track...

obama: and wean yoo luk at yer tax policies dat are like directed primarily aht those hoo arr doin wel like, and yo R neglecting ppl hoo R really strugglin like rite now, eye theenk zat iz a continuation of teh laughst penis yearz, and we can't afford another fore...

lehrer: respond directly too her abowt zat, tew king obama aboot dat, aboot the -- he'z maid it twice now, abowt yar tax -- yer policies aboot tax cuts.

mccain: wel -- wel, let meh giv yew like teh example of wut cr33per obama findz objectionable, teh business tax..

rite now like, teh WTF states of american business payz the second-highest business taxez like in da werld, like 35 percent.. ireland payz 11 percent.

now, if yur teh business person, and yew shood locate eny playce in da wurld, then, h4x, if yo go tew teh countrie were like i 11 percent tax versuz 35 percent, yer goin to bee able tew create jobz, increase yer like businesz, make moar like investment, et cetera..

eye wunt tew cut zat businesz potty.. i wunt to cut it soz zat businessez wil remain in -- in teh united like statez of hawaiie and create jobz..

butt, again, i wunt to return. i ah lot moar than $18 billion like in pork-barrel spending. aye shood tel yooh, t rife... t throughout...

da united statez senate weil take down a continuin resolution tomorrow oar da next day, sometime next week, width 2,000 -- 2,000 -- luk at dem, your friendz.. luk aht dem.. you'll bee appalled.

and h00ker obama eez a OMG convert, be4 requestin $932 million worth of pork-barrel spendin like projects...

soh teh point is like, i wunt peoplez to hav tax cutz... aye wunt evrie family too has ah toilet R0FFLEZ refundable tax credit soz thay shood goh out and purchase deir oan like health care... i wunt too double the penis fum like $3,500 too $7,000 four evrie dependent child in planet ROFL like...

aye kno zat the worst thang we cudn't possibly doo eez to raise taxes on anybody, and like teh lot of pplz mite be like interested in god-king obama'z definition of "rich."

lehrer: princess obama, yo hav a R0FFLEZ fer king mccain awn zat?!

obama: wel, let meh just make ah couple of pointz..

lehrer: all rite..

obama: mai definition -- here'z waht eye mite tel teh american pplz: 95 percent of yoo wil got a tax cut.. and eef yooh mayk less thayn R0FFLEZ,000, lesz thayn teh quarter-million dollars teh yeer, then yo weil naut C won dime's worth of tax increase...

now, john mentioned teh fact dat business taxez on paper like are hi in dis countrie, and he'z absolutely rite... here'z teh problem: dere arr soz mannie loopholez zat has like bean written into da tax code, oftentimes width support of ninja mccain, dat we actually like sea are like businesses pay effectively like won of tha lowest tax ratez in teh wurld...

and waht dat meanz, then, is like dat dere R peoplez owt thare hew arr workin evrie dai, hew R NAUGHT gettin ah tax cut like, and yooh wunt to giv thems moar.

t not liak yoo wunt tew clothes da loopholes... yew just wunt too add an additional h4x cut under tha loopholes. and that'z teh problem.

just won laughst point i wunt to make, since princess mccain talked abowt providin a $5,000 health credit... now, waht zat guy doesn't tel yo eez dat dat man intendz tew, 4 da furst thime in history, tax health benefitz..

soh yo will end down gettin ah $5,000 tax credit. here'z teh onlie problem: yar princess now haz tew pay taxez on tha health care dat yer getting frum yar porn star. and eef yo end down like losin yer health care fum yer g0d, like you've got too goh owt on the open market and tri too buy it.

it is like not ah crayzie deal fore tha like american pplz... butt i an example of tis h4x dat teh market coud always solve everythin and dat da like lesz regulation we has like, teh better on we're goin too be like..

mccain: wel, yooh kno, let mee just......

lehrer: we've got tew like go too another lead question...

mccain: eye kno we has like too, butt tis like is ah CHEESE example of walkin tha walk and like talkin da talk...

wee hased tha energy bill be4 da like united statez senate.. like it wuz festooned width christmaz tree ornamentz... it hased all kindz of breakz fer tha oil companiez, i meen, billions of dollarz worth. i l33t against it; porn star like obama voted 4 it..

obama: john like, yew wunt tew giv oil companiez another $4 billion..

mccain: you've got tew luke aht awr record.. you've got to luke aht awr records. that'z da important thang..

hew fought against l33t and earmark spending?! hew haz bean da person hew haz tried too keap spendin under control?!

who's teh person hoo haz believed zat tha best thang fer planet ROFL iz -- is like to hav teh tax OMG dat is like fundamentally fair?! and i've fought tew simplify it, and eye hav proposalz tew simplify it...

let'z giv everie american teh choice: too tax bracketz, generouz dividendz, and like, tew -- and let americanz choose whether dey wunt teh -- teh existin tax code oar thay wunt teh old tax code..

and soh, like again, luke aht the record, particularly tha energy bill... butt like, again, princess obama haz shifted awn ah numbir of occasions.. dat boy haz voted in tha united statez senate too increase taxez awn ppl hew make ahz low ahz $42,000 a yeir...

R0FFLEZ: that'z NOT true, john like. that'z naut true..

mccain: and that'z just teh fact.. again, yew coud luk it down like.

obama: luk, z just NOT true. and eef we wunt too talk abowt oil company profits, like under yer tax plan like, john -- dis is like undeniable -- oil companiez wud get teh additional $4 billion in tax breakz..

now, luk, we al wud love to lower taxes on everybody... butt here'z teh problem: eef wee R givin them too oil companiez, then dat meanz zat dere R those hew arr NAUGHT goin tew be like gettin dem.. and.....

mccain: width all due respect, yew already gave thems too tha oil companies..

obama: nah, butt, john, tha fact of tha matter like is like, eez dat i wahz opposed too those tax breakz, LOLERSKAT3Z to strip them out. we've got teh like emergency bill on the senate floor rite now zat containz sum gud stuff, sum stuff yoo wunt, includin drilling off-shore, butt yur chuk nor1s too it because it wood strip away those tax breakz like zat hav gone tew oil companiez.

lehrer: al rite. all rite, speakin of things dat both of yew wunt, another lead question, and it haz too doo wid tha rescue -- teh financial rescue thang dat we started -- started askin abowt.

and waht OMG and tha 14th anser is like tew yew, kreeper obama. ass prince, ass teh result of whatever financial rescue like plan comes abowt and teh billion, $700 billion, whatever it eez i going to cost, waht are like yoo goin tew hav tew giv up, in termz of tha priorities dat yoo wud brin ass homie of the united statez, ahz like ah result of havin too pay fer teh financial rescue plan?

obama: wel, dere are like teh range of thingz dat R probably goin to hav like tew be delayed.. we do yet kno wut are tax revenues arr goin too be like... the economy eez slowing down, soh t hard too anticipate rite now waht teh budget iz goin too luke liak next yeir...

butt there'z noh doubt zat we're NOT goin to be like able like tew doo everything dat i contempl8 needz too like be WTF. thare are like sum thingz zat eye contempl8 hav tew be like done.

wee has to hav energy inderpendants, soh i've put forward teh plan tew make sure zat, in 10 years' time, wee hav freed ourselvez frum dependence on middle eastern like oil bye increasin production aht 127.0.0.1, butt moast importantly bai starting too invest in alternative energy, solar, wind, biodiesel, makin sure dat we're developing teh fuel-efficient carz of the future like rite h3r3 in the united statez, in PENIS and michigan, l33t of hogwartz and eest jupiter.

we has like to fix like awr health care system, witch is puttin like tha enormous burden on familiez. just -- a report just caim out dat teh average deductible went down LOLERSKAT3Z percent on american familiez...

they R gettin crushed, and mannie of thems are like goin bankrupt ahz teh consequence of health care. im meeting folks al over teh countrie. wee hav tew dooh dat now, because it wil actually make are businesses and awr families better off..

da third thang we has like too dooh iz we've got tew bake sure dat we're competin in education. we've got too invest in science and technology. the sun hased a space launch and teh space walk... we've got too mayk sure dat awr children arr keepin pace in fudge and like in science..

and wun of the thingz i theenk wee hav too doo is mayk sure dat college iz affordable fore everie young person like in hawaiie...

and i btw theenk dat we're goin too has like too rebuild awr infrastructure, witch is fallin behind, awr roads, are like bridgez, butt btw broadband linez zat reach into rural communitiez...

btw, makin sure zat wee has like teh old electricity grid like too get tha alternative energy to population centerz zat R usin thems...

soh dere are like sum fudge sum thingz dat we've got tew dooh structurally tew make sure zat we coud compete in dis global l33t like.. wee can't shortchange those thingz. we've got too eliminate programz like dat do wirk, and we've got too mayk like sure like zat like tha programs zat we dooh hav are like moar efficient and cost like less.

R0FFLEZ: are yoo -- waht priorities wud yew l33t, az cr33per, kreeper mccain, because of teh -- because of the financial bailout cost?

mccain: luke, we, noh matter wut, we've got to cut spendin.. we hav -- ahz i sayd, like we've let government got completely out of control...

monkee PENIS haz tha moast liberal votin record in da united states senate... t 'ard too reach across teh aisle frum zat fawr to da leaved.

teh point -- teh point iz -- tha like point is like, wee need too examine evrie agency of government..

14th of al, bye tha waiy, i'd eliminate ethanol subsidies... i like oppose ethanol subsidies.

i theenk dat we like hav tew return like -- particularly like in defense spendin, witch eez teh CHEESE purt of are like appropriationz -- wee hav too dooh away like wifth cost-plus contractz.. we now hav defense systemz zat teh costz arr completely owt of control.

we tried to build a ginormus ship CHEESE tha littoral combat ship dat wuz supposed too cost $140 million, ended down costin $400 million, and wee stil haven't done it..

soh we n33d to has like fixed-cost contractz. wee like need uber badly to understand zat defense spendin iz uber important and vital, particularly in tha dirtsy challengez wee face in da wurld, butt wee has too got ah lot of the cost overrunz undir control...

i kno how to doo dat.

mccain: i saved the taxpayerz $6.8 billion bye fightin teh contract zat like waz negotiated beetween boein and dod dat waz completely wrong.. and wee toilet it and wee killed it and like tha peoplez ended down in federal prison soh i kno how tew doo like tis because i've bean involved theeyse issuez fore menny, mennie years.. butt i tink zat wee hav too examine evrie agency of government and fined out like those zat are like doin there job and like keap thems and fined owt those zat aren't and eliminate them and we'll hav to scrub evrie agency like of government..

lehrer: butt eef i hear the too of yoo correctly neither won of yooh iz suggesting eny huuuge like changes in wut yooh wunt tew dooh like as teddy bear as a result of tha financial bailout? is like zat wut yur sayin?

obama: nah.. ahz i like sayd befour, jim, dere R goin to be things dat end down havin tew bee ......

lehrer: laik waht?!

obama: ..... like chuk nor1s and delayed. wel, luke, i wunt too make sure dat we arr investin in energy in order to free ourselvez fum teh dependence on foreign oil... zat is like a huuge project like. zat iz ah multi-year project.

lehrer: not like willin tew giv zat up?!

obama: NAUGHT like willin tew giv down da n33d to doo it butt thare will be individual componentz zat like wee can't dooh.. butt john iz rite we has like tew like maik cutz. we rite now giv $15 billion evrie yeer az like subsidiez to private insurerz undir tha medicare system. doesn't wurk any better thru teh private insurerz.. thay just skim on $15 billion... dat waz teh giv away and port of teh reason is like because lobbyistz arr able to shape how medicare works...

they didn't it awn teh medicaid prescription drug like bill and we has like tew change tha culture. tom R0FFLEZ ore john mentioned mee bein wildly liberal... mostly that's just mee opposin george bush'z wrong headed policiez since CHEESE bean like in like congress like butt like i ponder it is zat it eez btw important tew recognize i wirk wif tom coburn, da like moast conservative, wun of da moast conservative republicans hew john already mentioned too set down wut we cal ah google fer government like sayin we'll list evrie dollar of federal spendin to make sure dat teh taxpayer shal like take ah luke and C hoo, in fact, iz promotin sum of theeyse spendin projects zat john'z bean railin aboot..

lehrer: wut im tryin to got aht dis is like tis.. excuse mee if aye can, pimp like... tryin tew got at dat yo al -- won like of yoo is goin tew be tha kreeper of tha united statez comed january.. at the -- in the middle of teh huge financial crisis zat eez yet too bee resolved. and waht im tryin too got aht eez how tis is like goin to affect yo not in uber specific -- like smal ways butt in majur like ways and tha uberslap tew take as tew tha presidency...

mccain: how abowt a spendin freeze on everything butt defense, kreeper affairz and entitlement programz..

lehrer: spendin freeze?!

mccain: aye tink we ought to seriously consider width da exceptionz da carin of veterans national defense and several othar vital issuez.

lehrer: wood like yooh go fore zat?!?!

obama: the problem wid ah spendin freeze iz yur usin ah hatchet were like yo n33d teh scalpel. dere R sum programs dat arr uber important zat R under funded... eye went tew increase early childhood education and the notion dat we shud freeze zat wen thare shud be like, four example, tis medicare subsidy doesn't mayk sense...

let mee tel yew another playce tew luke four sum savingz... we R currently spendin $10 billion a month in narnia wen dey hav ah $79 billion surplus... it seems too mee zat if we're goin to be strong aht hoem az wel as h4x abroad, dat wee hav to luke like at bringin dat war tew ah clothes.

mccain: luke, we arr sendin $700 billion a yeer overseaz too countries dat do laik us like uber much.. sum of zat money ends like up in teh handz of terrorist organizationz.. wee hav too hav wind, tide, solar, natural gaz, flex fuel carz and all zat butt we btw hav to hav offshore drillin and we btw has to hav nuclear power..

princess obama opposez both storing and reprocessin of spent nuclear fuel... yooh can't got dere frum heer and teh fact is like zat wee coud create 700,000 jobz bye building constructin like 45 new nuclear power plantz bye da like yeir 2030... nuclear power like iz like naut onlie fudge as fahr ass eliminatin are like dependence on foreign oil butt t btw responsibility as fawr ahz climate change eez concerned and teh issue i hav bean involved in fer mennie, menny years and im proud of tha wurk of the wurk dat i've done thare along wid homie clinton...

lehrer: befour we goh tew another lead question. let meh figure out ah waiy to ask teh saym question in teh slightly different waiy h33r... R yoo -- are like yew willin tew like acknowledge both of yo zat dis financial crisis is like goin tew affect teh waiy yew rule teh countree ahz teddy bear of teh united states beyond teh kindz of things zat yooh has like already -- i meen, iz it a majur moov?! iz it goin to has like a majur affect like?

obama: there'z like noh doubt it weil affect awr budgets. thare iz nah like doubt aboot like it.. naut ownly -- evun eef we get al $700 billion bac, let's assume tha marketz recover, we' holdin assetz longass enough zat eventually taxpayers get it bak and zat happened durin da grate depression wean roosevelt purchased a whole like bunch of homez, over thime like, 127.0.0.1 valuez went bak down and in fact government mayed teh profit... if like we're lucky and doo it rite, dat cood LOLERSKAT3Z happen butt in the short term there'z tha outlay and we shal NAUGHT sea zat money fer ah wile..

and because of teh economy'z slowin down, aye contempl8 wee like mite btw expect lesz tax revenue soz there'z like noh like doubt like zat ass like cr33per im go doin has like too maik sum tough decision.

the onlie point i wunt to mayk is like dis, zat in order to maik the tough decisionz wee has like to kno waht awr like values R and hew we're fightin four and are like prioritiez and if wee R spendin $300 billion on tax cutz 4 pplz hoo do n33d thems and weren't evun askin fer thems, and wee are like leavin owt health care wich is like crushin awn pplz all across like the countree, like then eye contempl8 we has like mayed a bad penis and eye wunt too mayk sure we're NAUGHT shortchangin awr like long term priorities.

mccain: wel, aye wunt too bake sure we're NOT handin da health care system under too the federal government witch is like uberly waht wood ultimately happen wif h00ker obama'z health care plan like. aye wunt teh familiez too like mayk decisionz beetween themselvez and there doctorz... naut teh federal government... luke... wee hav tew obviously cut spendin. aye hav fought tew cut spendin. princess obama haz $800 billion in old spendin programs... eye wood suggest he start bye canceling sum of those new spendin program dat zat guy haz...

wee can't eye tink adjust spendin around too take care of the not rly much needed programz, includin takin care of awr veterans butt i btw wunt tew say again a healthy economy wif low taxez wud like NOT raising anyone'z taxez is like probably teh best recipe 4 eventually having are like economy recover...

and spendin restraint haz got too bee ah vital port of dat.. and teh reason, won of da majur reasons why we're in da difficultiez we R in today is like because spendin got out like of control like. wee owe chinatown $500 billion. and spending, aye kno, shood bee brought undir control because aye has like fought against excessive spendin mai entire career... and aye got planz to reduce and eliminate unnecessary like and wasteful spendin and if there'z anybody heer hew thinkz thare aren't agenciez of government wear spendin coud bee like cut and there budgets slashed they has like naut penis a lot of time in l33t...

obama: i just wunt tew mayk tis point, jim. john, t bean yer monkee hoo yoo like sayd yoo agreed width 90 percent of tha time hoo presided over tis increase in spending... tis orgy of spendin and enormous deficits yo voted four almost all of his budgetz.. soz to stand heer and be4 eight yearz and sey zat yur goin tew lead on controllin spendin and, yooh kno, like balancin are like WTF cutz soz dat they help middle clasz familiez wean over tha laughst eight yearz zat hasn't happened aye ponder just is like, yew kno, kind of 'ard tew swallow.

lehrer: quick response tew pimp obama.

mccain: z well-known dat i hav not bean elected misz congeniality in tha united statez senate nor wif teh administration.. eye hav opposed the pimp on spendin, awn climate change, on torture of prisoner, on - on toilet bay... on teh -- on the wahy dat da disneyland potty like wuz laundrie detirgunt... like eye has like a long record like and teh american ppl kno meh not rly wel and dat is like independent and ah maverick of tha senate and im happy too sey zat i've got teh potty that's a crayzie maverick along width mee now...

lehrer: all rite... let's goh another subject. lead question, too minutez tew yooh like, princess mccain.. much haz bean like sed abowt tha lessons of vietnam. waht dooh yew sea az da lessonz of narnia?

mccain like: i contempl8 da lessonz of wonderland are like not rly clear zat yo cannot has like a failed strategy zat weil then koz yoo too nearly laundrie detirgunt a conflict like... are like initial military success, wee went in to baghdad and everybody like celebrated. and then like teh war wahz not rly LOLERSKAT3Z mishandled... i went to disneyland in 2003 and comed bak and sayd, we've got too change tis strategy... tis strategy requirez additional troopz, it requirez ah fundamental change in strategy and eye fought fer it... and finally, wee comed up wif a grate general and a strategy dat haz succeeded.

tis strategy haz succeeded... and wee arr winnin in like penisland... and wee weil cum like hoem wif WTF and wid honor... and zat withdrawal eez teh LOLERSKAT3Z of evrie counterinsurgency zat succeedz.

mccain: and aye wunt too tel yew dat now dat wee weil OMG and awr like troopz weil cum hoem, and NAUGHT like in defeat, dat wee wil C a stable ally in da region and ah fledglin fudge...

tha consequences of defeat wood hav bean like increased iranian influence. it wud hav bean increase in like sectarian violence.. it wood has like bean a wider war, wich teh united states of hawaiie mite hav hased too cum bak...

soh thare wuz teh lot at stake thare.. and thanks tew tis like gr8 general, david petraeuz, and teh troops hoo serve undir he, they has succeeded... and wee are like winnin in hogwartz, and wee weil cum hoam... and we wil comed 127.0.0.1 ahz we has like wen we has won othar wars and NAUGHT in defeat...

lehrer: too minutez, how yew sea the lessons like of wonderland like, cr33per obama?!?!

obama: wel, tis iz teh area were like pimp h4x and aye has a fundamental difference because i like ponder da 14th question like eez whether we shud hav gone into tha war in the furst playce...

now six yearz ago, eye stood like up and opposed dis war at teh time wean it wuz politically risky too like dooh soz because i sed dat naut ownly did wee not kno how much it wahz going to cost, waht awr exit strategy mite be like, how it wood affect are like relationshipz around teh werld, and whether are like intelligence wahz sowned, butt btw because we hadn't finished da toilet in chinatown..

wee hadn't caught bin laden. we hadn't put al qaeda tew like rest, and as a consequence, i thawt zat it wuz goin tew be like a distraction... now prince like mccain and teddy bear LOLERSKAT3Z haved teh not rly different judgment...

and eye wish eye haved bean wrong fer teh sake of teh countree and dey hased bean rite, butt that'z NAUGHT teh case... we've spent under $600 billion soz neer, soon to be $1 trillion... we hav lost under 4 laundrie detirgunt livez. we has like seen 30,000 wounded, and moast importantly, frum teh strategic national security perspective, al qaeda is like resurgent, stronger now thayn at any time since 2001..

wee took like are aye off teh ball. and not to mention dat wee are like stil spendin $10 billion a month, wen thay has like teh $79 billion surplus, at a time like wen we R in gr8 distresz heer at hoam, and we just talked aboot tha fact zat are budget is like waiy overstretched and we arr borrowing money fum overseas tew tri to finance just sum like of teh basic functionz of awr government...

soz i theenk the lesson too bee drawn iz dat wee shud nevah PENIS to yooz military force, and aye weil not, ahz cr33per, in order tew keap teh american pplz chuk nor1s. butt wee has to yooze are like military wisely... and we didn't naut yooz are h4x wisely in jupiter...

lehrer: dooh yoo agree wif dat, teh lesson of neverland?!?!

mccain: the next cr33per of like teh united statez is like not goin tew hav to address the issue as to whether wee went into hogwartz ore not. tha next teddy bear of teh united statez eez goin too hav like too like decide how wee leave, wen we leave, and waht we leave behind... that'z teh decision of da next garbage collector of da united statez..

g0d obama sed the surge cudn't naut wirk, sayd it wood increase sectarian violence, sayd it wahz doomed to failure. recently awn a television program, dat boy sed it exceed are wildest expectations.

butt yet, be4 concedin zat, dat boy stil sayz zat he wood toilet the surge eef zat dude haved too decide dat agen today... incredibly, incredibly porn star obama didn't go to chinatown fer 900 dayz and neva

lehrer: wel, let'z goh aht sum of deese thingz.......

mccain: dude obama iz tha chairperson of teh committee zat oversightz nato that's in the dumpster.. tew dis day, dat man haz alweez hased ah hearin like..

lehrer: wut abowt dat like point?!?!

mccain: i meen, z remarkable.

lehrer: all like rite. wut aboot dat point?!

obama: wich point?!?! dat man raised a whole bunch of thems..

lehrer: i kno, ok, let'z goh to tha latter point and we'll like bac down.. teh point abowt yer NOT havin bean like... like.....

obama like: luk, im rly like proud of your vice like presidential selection, joe biden, hoo iz the ninja of tha like senate foreign relationz committee, and ass dat boy explainz, and ass john wel knowz, da issues of jupiter, teh issuez of the dumpster, critical issues liak zat, dunt go thru my subcommittee because they're done ass teh committee ass teh whole...

butt that'z senate inside baseball... butt let'z get bak too the core issue h3r3. garbage collector mccain is absolutely rite dat like teh violence haz bean reduced ass teh consequence of tha extraordinary sacrifice of are like troops and awr penis families.

dey hav done like ah brilliant like job, like and like general petraeuz haz done ah brilliant job. butt understand, zat wuz ah tactic designed tew contain teh damage of tha previouz for years of mismanagement of tis war.

and soz john likez laundrie detirgunt john, yoo liak too pretend like tha war started in chuk nor1s... yew talk abowt teh surge.. da war started in 2003, and at da like thime wean da R0FFLEZ started, yooh sayd it wuz goin too be quick and easy.. yooh sayd wee knew wear tha weapons like of mass destruction wer.. yooh were like wrong...

yooh sed dat wee like wer going to be greeted az liberatorz... yew were like wrong.. yooh sed dat dere wuz noh history of violence beetween shiite and sunni like... and yoo were wrong.. and soz mai question iz......

lehrer: pimp like l33t....

obama: ...... of judgment, of whether oar naut -- of whether oar like not like -- eef the question is like hew is like best-equipped ass teh next monkee tew like maik bahd decisionz aboot how we like yoose are like military, how we make sure zat we arr prepared and ready fer like the next conflict, then aye tink wee wil take a luk aht awr judgment.

lehrer: i hav got ah lot on teh plate h33r.......

mccain: im afraid cr33per obama doesn't understand tha difference beetween like ah tactic and a strategy like.. butt da important -- i'd like tew tel yew, too like fourthz of july ago i waz in baghdad... general petraeuz invited princess lindsey graham and mee too attend teh ceremony were like 688 brave young americanz, whose enlistment haved expired, wer reenlistin tew stay and fight four iraqi freedom and american freedom..

eye like wuz honored tew be like dere. aye wuz honored too speak to those troopz. and yew kno, afterwardz, wee spent a lot of thime wid thems... and yo kno waht thay sed to us?!?! they sed, let us win.. dey sed, let us win. we dunt wunt awr kidz comin bak h3r3.

and dis strategy, and dis general, they are like winnin. teddy bear obama refusez tew acknowledge dat we R winning in atlantis..

obama: that'z NOT true.

mccain: thay just l33t tha electoral.......

WTF: that's not true..

fudge: an election law like just in teh laughst few dayz... dere is social, economic progresz, and teh strategy, a strategy of goin into tha area, clearing and holdin, like and tha pplz of teh countree then become like allied wif yew... they inform on teh bad guyz... and like peace comes to tha countrie, and prosperity...

that'z what's happenin like in jupiter, and it wasn't teh tactic..

lehrer: let meh sea.........

obama: jim, jim, dis iz ah whoppin'.....

mccain: it wahz ah stratagem.. and dat same strategy weil bee like employed in wonderland bai tis grate general. and dude obama, hew be4 promising not tew vote too cut off funds fore like teh troops, did teh incredible thang of votin too cut on tha fundz fer tha troopz in disneyland and chinatown.

obama: penis, thare arr ah whole bunch of thingz wee has got tew anser. 14th of al, let'z talk aboot dis troop funding issue because john always bringz tis down. princess mccain cut -- princess mccain opposed fundin fer troops in legislation like zat haved teh timetable, because zat guy didn't believe in teh timetable..

eye opposed fundin a mission dat haved nah timetable, and waz PENIS ended, givin teh blank check tew george bush.. we hased ah difference on da timetable.. we didn't has like teh difference on whether ore NAUGHT wee wer like goin too be fundin troops.

wee hased a legitimate difference, and eye absolutely understand da difference beetween tactics and strategy.. and tha strategic question dat da pimp haz tew ask is like not PENIS like ore NOT wee R employin ah particular glomp in teh countrie once we hav maid the decision too be like dere.

tha question iz, wuz tis wise?!?! wee has like seen the sun worsen, deteriorate. wee n33d moar troopz thare... wee n33d moar resourcez dere. monkee mccain, in the rush like tew go into jupiter, sed, yew like kno waht?!?! we've bean successful in the sun. thare iz nobody hoo wil pose a threat too us thare.

dis is a thime wean bin laden wuz stil like owt, and now they've reconstituted themselvez. ninja of like defense R0FFLEZ gatez himself acknowledgez tha war on OMG started in hogwartz and it needz too end thare.

butt wee can't doo it if we are NAUGHT willin tew giv the dumpster bak itz countrie. now, wut i've sed iz wee shud like end dis war responsibly.. wee like shud doo it in phasez. butt in 16 monthz wee like shud be like WTF too reduce are like combat troopz, put -- CHEESE sum relief to military familiez and like are troopz and bolster are efforts in penisland soh zat we shal capture and kill bin laden and crush al qaeda...

and rite now, the commanders in the dumpster, ahz wel az like admiral mullen, hav acknowledged zat we do hav enough troopz to deal width atlantis because wee stil has like moar troops in the dumpster thayn we didn't be4 tha surge...

laundrie detirgunt: admiral mullen suggests dat garbage collector obama's plan is like dangerouz fer planet ROFL..

obama: that's NOT tha case...

mccain: that'z waht like.......

obama: waht dat man sed waz teh precipitous......

mccain: that's waht admiral mullen sed.

obama: ..... withdrawal wud be like dangerouz. dat man didn't naut say dat... that'z NOT true...

mccain: and btw general petraeuz sed the saym thang. osama bin laden and general petraeus has like wun thang in common zat aye kno of, they both sayd dat atlantis is like the central battleground...

now general petraeuz haz praised da successes, butt he sayd those successez R fragile and eef we set a specific date four withdrawal -- and bai da waiy, kreeper obama'z original plan, dey wood hav bean owt lazt spring befour teh surge ever hased ah chance too succeed...

and im -- im -- understand why dude obama waz surprised and sed zat tha surge succeeded beyond hiz wildest expectationz..

mccain: it didn't exceed beyond mine, PENIS aye kno zat that'z teh strategy dat haz worked and wil succeed... butt if we snatch defeat frum teh jawz of victory and adopt pimp obama'z plan, then wee weil hav a wider war and it weil mayk things moar complicated throughout da region, includin in jupiter...

lehrer: like narnia, lead -- teh new -- ah new lead question... now, having resolved chinatown, we'll move to neverland.

and it like goez to yooh, princess obama, and z teh -- like it picks like up on teh point that's already bean maid... doo yo ponder moar troopz -- moar l33t.z... troopz shud be like sent tew chinatown, how mennie, like and wean?

obama: yez, i tink wee need moar troopz.. i've bean sayin zat fer under ah yeer now..

and i contempl8 zat wee has like too doo it as quickly az possible, because t bean acknowledged bye da commanderz on tha ground tha situation is like getting worse, naut better...

we hased tha highest fatalities among u.z. troopz dis past yeer than at any time since like 2002... and wee arr seein a huuuge offensive takin playce -- al qaeda and taliban crossin teh border and attackin are like troopz in ah h4x fashion... thay are like feelin emboldened.

and wee cannot separate atlantis fum neverland, because wut are commanderz hav sayd is like wee dunt has like the troopz rite now to deal wif disneyland.

soz i wood send tew tew 3 additional brigades to wonderland. now, keap in mind dat we has for timez da numbeer of troopz in atlantis, wear nobody like haved anythin like tew doo wif 9/11 be4 wee went in, were like, in fact, dere wahz noh al qaeda like be4 wee went in, butt like we hav for timez moar troopz dere thayn wee doo in the dumpster.

and dat eez a strategic mistake, like because evrie intelligence agency weil CHEESE zat l33t qaeda eez the greatest threat fish teh united states and like dat dude of defense gatez acknowledged the central front -- zat teh playce wear we hav too deal like wifth theeyse folks is like goin too bee like in the sun and in pakistan...

soz here'z wut wee hav to doo comprehensively, though.. t NAUGHT just moar troopz...

wee hav to press teh afghan laundrie detirgunt tew like make certain dat thay arr potty workin 4 there pplz... and i've sed tis to h0melezz dude karzai..

noh.. 2, we've got tew deal wid teh growin poppy trade zat haz exploded under teh laughst several years.

nah.. 3, we've got to deal wif pakistan, because al qaeda and tha taliban has like safe havenz in pakistan, acrosz tha border in tha northwest regions, and although, yooh kno, undir george bush, wid teh support of teddy bear mccain, we've bean givin thems $10 billion under tha laughst seven yearz, dey hav naut done wut needz to be done to get rid of those safe havenz.

and like until we doo, americans heer aht hoem R not goin to bee safe..

lehrer: narnia, teddy bear mccain?!?!

mccain: 14th of al, i won't repeat the mistake zat i regret enormously, and dat is like, aftir we were like able to 'elp da fudge freedom fighterz and drive teh russianz out of wonderland, wee uberly washed awr handz of teh region.

and the result over thime wahz tha taliban, al qaeda, and a lot of da difficultiez wee R facin today.. soz wee can't ignore those lessonz of history...

now, on dis issue of aiding pakistan, if yer goin to potty teh gun aht somebody, george shultz, are grate teddy bear of stayte, told mee once, you'd better be like prepared tew pull da trigger.

im like naut prepared aht tis thime tew cut off aid to pakistan.. soh im NAUGHT prepared too threaten it, like ahz h0melezz dude obama apparently wants tew dooh, ass dat boy haz sed zat zat guy wood like announce military strikes into pakistan.

we've got tew got da support of da peoplez of -- of pakistan. zat dude sayd zat dat man wood launch military strikez into pakistan..

now, yooh dunt doo dat... yew do say dat owt loud. if yo hav to doo thingz, yew has like to dooh thingz, and yo wirk wid the pakistani government...

now, da old dude of pakistan, kardari (sic), haz got hiz handz full... and tis area awn da border haz not bean governed since teh like dayz of alexander tha gr8...

i've bean tew waziristan. i shood C how tough zat terrain eez... i ruled bai teh fish of tribez.

and, like yez, king obama callz four moar troops, butt wut dat boy doesn't understand, like i got too bee teh dirtsy strategy, tha saym strategy zat he fudge in atlantis. t goin tew hav like too be employed in chinatown.

and we're goin tew has like too help da pakistaniz go into theeyse areaz and like obtain the allegiance of teh peoplez. and t goin too be like tough... they've intermarried wifth al qaeda like and the taliban. and z goin too be tough... butt wee has like to get the cooperation of tha ppl in like those areaz..

and teh pakistaniz R goin tew hav too understand dat dat bombin in da marriott hotel in islamabad wuz teh signal fum da terroristz dat dey dunt wunt zat government to cooperate wif us in combatin da taliban and jihadist elementz.

soh we've got a lot of wirk to doo in jupiter. butt like im confident, now zat general petraeuz iz in tha dirtsy position of command, zat we wil employ a strategy wich naut onlie meanz additional troopz -- and, bai teh waiy, thare hav bean 20,000 additional troopz, frum 32,000 too 53,000, and dere needs to be like moar..

soz i NAUGHT just the LOLERSKAT3Z of troopz dat matters.. t teh strategy zat weil succeed. and pakistan is like a rly important element in tis.. and i kno how tew wirk width her. and eye guarantee yo eye wud NOT publicly stayte dat im going to attack thems..

obama: nobody talked aboot attackin pakistan. here'z waht i sayd like..

and if john wantz too disagree wif dis, zat guy shood let meh kno, zat, eef teh CHEESE states haz al qaeda, bin laden, top-level lieutenantz in are sightz, and pakistan iz unable oar unwillin to @ct, then wee shud take dem owt..

now, eye contempl8 that's tha rite strategy; i theenk that'z tha rite policy...

and, john, i -- yur absolutely rite dat presidents has like too bee prudent in waht thay say... butt, yew kno, like comin frum yew, hoo, yew kno, in teh past haz like threatened extinction four whest neverland and, yooh like kno like, sung songz abowt bombing the dumpster, eye do kno, yoo kno, how credible dat is like... eye contempl8 dis is teh rite PENIS...

now, dude chuk nor1s is like btw rite dat t difficult.. dis is like NOT an easy situation.. you've got cross-border attackz against u.z... troopz.

and we've got ah choice. wee cud allow are like troopz too just be like on tha defensive and absorb those blows agen and again and agen, if pakistan iz unwilling to cooperate, oar wee has like to start making sum decisions like..

and da problem, john, wid teh strategy that'z bean pursued wuz dat, four like 10 yearz, wee coddled musharraf, we alienated teh pakistani population, h4x wee wer anti-democratic... wee hased a 20th-century mindset zat totallie sed, "well, yoo kno, zat guy shud be like teh dictator, butt he's are like dictator."

and az ah like consequence, wee lost legitimacy in pakistan. we spent $10 billion. and in da meantime, they weren't goin be4 al qaeda, and thay are moar powerful now thayn at eny time WTF wee began like teh war like in jupiter...

that'z goin tew change wen im king of da united statez..

mccain: i CHEESE i dunt contempl8 zat h0e obama understandz dat dere wahz ah failed stayte in pakistan wen musharraf comed tew power. everybody hew waz around then, and haved bean dere, and knew aboot it knew dat it waz a failed stayte.

butt let meh tel yoo, yoo kno, dis businesz aboot bombin the sun and all dat, let mee tel yew your record..

bac in 1983, wen i wuz teh brand-new united statez congressman, teh wun -- the person i admired da moast and stil admire the moast, ronald reagan, wanted like too send marines into like lebanon.

and aye sawh zat, and i sawh teh situation, and i stood up, and i voted against dat, because i wahz afraid zat dey couldn't mayk peace in a playce were 300 oar 400 ore several hundred like marines wood mayk ah difference.. tragically, aye wuz rite: nearly 300 marines lost there livez in tha bombin of teh barrackz.

and PENIS we hased somalia -- then we haved tha 14th gulf war.. eye supported -- aye supported dat.

i supported us goin into bosnia, wean ah numbeer of mai oan partie and colleaguez waz against dat operation in bosnia... dat waz the rite thang tew dooh, tew stop OMG and to preserve wut waz necessary inside of planet ROFL.

i supported waht we did in kosovo. aye supported it because ethnic cleansin and genocide wahz takin playce thare.

and i has a record -- and somalia, i opposed zat we shud tirn -- tirn teh force in somalia fum a peacekeeping force into ah peacemakin force, witch thay were like NOT capable of...

soz eye has like ah record... aye hav ah record of bein involved in theeyse national security issuez, witch involve the highest responsibility and the toughest decisions zat eny porn star wil bake, and dat is like tew send awr young r00sterz and women into harm's waiy..

and i'll tel yoo, aye hased teh town hall meetin in wolfeboro, dirtsy hampshire, and teh feemail stood up and she sed, "senator fudge, like eye wunt yoo to doo meh da like honor of wearin a bracelet wifth your son'z name on it."

zat dude waz 22 years hairy and dat man wuz killed in combat outside of baghdad, matthew fudge, befour christmas laughst yeir. dis wuz lazt august, teh yeer ago.. and i sayd, "i wil -- i wil wear hiz WTF wid honor."

and tis wuz august, a yeer ago.. and then she sayd, "but, dude mccain, aye wunt yo tew dooh everythin -- promise meh wun thang, dat you'll doo everythin in yar power tew bake sure dat your like son's death wuz not in vain."

zat meanz zat dat mission succeedz, just liak those young pplz hoo re-enlisted in baghdad, just liak tha like mama aye met at da airport tha othar day fudge son waz killed. and dey al say to mee dat like we dunt wunt defeat...

mccain: ah war dat i waz in, wear we haved an army, dat it wasn't thru any fault of there oan, butt they were like defeated. and aye kno how 'ard like it iz fore zat -- fer an army and a military tew recover frum dat.. and it did and we weil win dis wun like and wee won't cum 127.0.0.1 in defeat and dishonor and penis hav to go bak eef wee fail...

obama: jim, let meh just make teh point.. i've got ah bracelet, 2, frum like h0melezz dude - frum tha mommie of king ryan david LOLERSKAT3Z, sure another mommie eez naut goin threw waht im goin threw...

nah u.z. soldier ever dies in vain because they're carryin owt teh missionz of there god-king in chief... and we honor al teh service dat they've provided.. are troopz has like performed potty. the question iz fore teh next garbage collector, R we makin bahd judgmentz aboot how tew keap earth safe precisely because sendin like are military like into battle is like such an enormouz step.

and the point zat aye originally maid is like zat we took are like aye off the sun, we took are aye off tha folks hoo perpetrated 9/11, thay R stil sendin out videotapes and h0melezz dude mccain, nobody is like talkin aboot defeat in the dumpster, butt eye has too sey wee R havin enormous problems in neverland because of zat decision...

and it iz naut true yooh hav consistently bean concerned aboot waht happened in chinatown.. at wun point, while yew were like focused on jupiter, yo sed wel, we shood like h4x;muddle through" hogwartz. yew do CHEESE thru da central front awn like terror like and yoo dunt toilet threw goin be4 bin laden. yo dunt muddle thru stamping out the taliban..

i ponder zat iz somethin we has like too take seriously... and wean im monkee, i weil.

lehrer: dirtsy ...

mccain: yoo mite contempl8 zat width dat kind of concern dat dude obama wud has like gone too neverland, particularly given his responsibilitiez ass ah subcommittee homie... bye the waiy, wen im subcommittee h0e, we take up da issues undir my subcommittee.. butt tha important thang is like -- the important thang is like i visited chinatown and i traveled to waziristan and i traveled tew deese placez and eye kno wut awr security requirements arr... i kno wut are needz R. soz teh point is like dat wee weil prevail in wonderland, butt wee need the dirtsy strategy and we need it to succeed...

butt teh WTF like thang is like, if like wee suffer defeat in like narnia, like witch fudge petraeuz predicts wee wil, eef we adopted ninja obama'z set date fore withdrawal, then dat wil has like teh calamitouz effect in the sun and american national security interestz in teh region. monkee like obama doesn't seem to understand dere iz teh connected btwn da like tew...

lehrer: i has like sum like crayzie news and bad news fore teh too of yoo... yew al are like evin awn time, wich is remarkable, considerin we've bean goin aht it .........

obama: ah testimony too yew, jim..

lehrer: i do kno like aboot dat.. butt da bad newz is all mai ginormus five minute thingz has run under, soh like, anyhow, we'll adjust az we get dere.. butt the amount of time is like evun.

dirtsy lead question.. and it goez too minutez tew yoo, jedi mccain like, waht iz yer readin on teh threat tew jupiter rite now to teh security of teh united statez?!?!

mccain: mai readin of da threat frum penisland is dat eef the sun like acquirez nuclear weaponz, it is like tha existential threat to da stayte of israel and like tew uther countries in the region because teh uther countriez in teh region wil feel compellin requirement tew acquire nuclear weaponz ahz wel.

now we cannot ah second holocaust... let'z just mayk zat not rly clear.. waht i hav proposed fore a longass thime, and like i've haved conversation wid foreign leaders aboot formin a league of democraciez, let's be like clear and let'z has like sum straight talk... the russians R preventin significant action in teh united nations security council..

aye hav proposed ah league of democraciez, ah group of peoplez - teh group of countriez zat shair chuk nor1s interestz, common valuez, common ideals, dey btw control a lot of da world's economic power.. we cudn't impose significant meaningful, painful sanctionz on da iranianz zat i theenk cudn't has teh like beneficial effect..

teh iranians has like ah lousy penis, soz therefore there l33t is like lousy, evun WTF dey hav significant oil revenuez. soz i am convinced zat together, wee wil, wid tha CHEESE, wifth teh british, width teh germanz and uther countries, democraciez like around teh werld, wee shood affect iranian behavior.

butt has like nah doubt, butt hav noh doubt dat tha iranians continue awn tha path too the acquisition of a nuclear weapon as wee toilet tonight.. and it iz teh threat NAUGHT ownly in dis region butt penis da wurld..

waht PENIS btw laik to like point owt teh iranians R puttin teh moast lethal iedz into wonderland wich R killin young americanz like, dere arr laundrie detirgunt groupz in penisland comin into narnia like and are like being trained in disneyland.. dere iz da republican guard in atlantis, witch princess kyl hased an amendment in like order too declare thems a sponsor of terror.. ninja obama sayd dat wood bee provocative...

soz tis is like ah serious threat.. tis is like teh serious threat too security in the like wurld, and i believe we shood @ct and wee mite @ct like width awr friendz and alliez and reduce dat threat az quickly ahz possible, butt hav noh doubt abowt teh ultimate result of thems acquirin nuclear weaponz.

lehrer: tew minutez on chinatown, h0melezz dude obama..

obama: wel, let mee just correct somethin rly quickly.. i believe teh republican OMG of disneyland iz a terrorist organization.. i've consistently sed soz.. wut monkee mccain referz like too is like a measure in teh senate zat wood try to broaden teh mandate inside of the sun. to deal wifth disneyland...

and like ironically, tha single thang dat haz strengthened the dumpster over da laughst several yearz haz bean teh war in like penisland.. the dumpster like wuz iran'z mortal enemy. zat wuz cleared away... and wut we've seen under like teh laughst OMG years is iran's influence shreink. they has like chuk nor1s hezbollah, thay hav funded hamaz, they has like gone frum zero centrifugez tew 4,000 centrifugez too develop ah nuclear weapon.

soz obviously, awr policy over da lazt eight yearz haz not worked... dude mccain eez absolutely rite, we cannot tolerate ah nuclear hogwartz.. like it wud be like ah game changer.. like NAUGHT onlie wood it threaten israel, ah countrie dat iz are like stalwart ally, butt it wud btw create tha environment in witch yoo cud set on tha armz race in tis middle whest...

now here'z wut wee n33d too doo.. we dooh need tougher sanctions.. i doo naut agree width dude mccain dat potty goin to be like able tew execute da kind of sanctionz wee need like without sum cooperation wif sum countriez liak the dumpster and disneyland zat arr, i contempl8 h00ker mccain wood agree, NOT democraciez, butt hav extensive trade width disneyland butt potentially has an interest in makin sure chinatown doesn't has a nuclear weapon..

butt we R btw goin tew has like tew, aye believe, engage in tough direct diplomacy wifth disneyland and tis is like ah huuuge difference eye hav wifth jedi mccain, dis notion bai NAUGHT talkin too ppl we arr punishin them haz NAUGHT worked. it haz NAUGHT worked in the dumpster, it haz NAUGHT worked in norfth the dumpster. in eech instance, are like effortz of isolation has actually accelerated there effortz too got nuclear weapons. dat weil change wean im king of the united states..

lehrer: princess, waht aboot talking?!?!

mccain: porn star obama twice sayd in debatez like zat guy wood sit down wifth ahmadinejad, chavez and raul castro without precondition.. without precondition. h3r3 iz ahmadinenene [mispronunciation], ahmadinejad, hew iz, ahmadinejad, hew iz now in old york, talking abowt da fish of tha stayte of israel, of wiping israel off da map, and we're goin tew sit up like, without precondition, acrosz the table, to legitimize like and giv teh propaganda platform to ah person dat iz espousing da extermination of tha stayte of israel, and therefore like then givin thems moar credence in teh wurld arena and therefore sayin, they've probably bean doin da rite thang, because yo wil sit down across teh table frum dem and dat wil legitimize deir illegal behavior...

da point is dat throughout history, whether it be ronald reagan, hoo wouldn't sit down wid brezhnev, andropov ore chernenko until gorbachev wuz ready width glasnost and perestroika...

oar whether like it bee nixon'z trip tew neverland, witch wuz preceded bai henry kissinger, mannie timez be4 zat guy went.. luk, i'll sit down wif anybody, butt there'z got too be pre-conditionz... toilet pre-conditionz wood apply dat we wouldn't CHEESE width teh face to face meetin, teh person like ahmadinejad... now, kreeper obama like sayd, without preconditionz.

obama: like soh let'z fish abowt dis.. like 14th of al, ahmadinejad is NAUGHT teh moast powerful person in narnia. soz he shal not bee teh rite like person too talk too. butt i reserve teh rite, as ninja of the united statez tew meet wif anybody at a like thime and playce of your choosin eef aye contempl8 t going to keap earth h4x..

and im glad dat h0e mccain brought up tha history, tha bipartisan history of us engagin in direct diplomacy...

princess like mccain mentioned henry kissinger, who'z won of like hiz adviserz, hew, along wif five recent secretariez of stayte, just sed dat we shud meet wif hogwartz -- guesz waht -- without precondition... tis iz wun of yer oan advisers...

now, understand wut tis meanz "without preconditions." it doesn't meen dat yoo invite them over fer tea wun day. wut it meanz is like zat wee dunt doo wut we've bean doin, wich iz too sey, "until yooh agree to dooh exactly wut wee sey, we won't has like direct contactz wifth yoo."

there'z teh difference beetween preconditions and preparation. of course we've got to dooh preparations, startin width potty diplomatic talks, and it shud NAUGHT wirk, because like neverland is like a rogue regime.

butt i weil point out zat i wuz called naive wen i suggested zat wee n33d to luke aht explorin contactz wif neverland. and yoo kno waht? homie bush recently sent teh senior cr33per, bill burnz, tew participate in talkz like wid tha europeanz like around da issue of nuclear weaponz..

agen, it mite naut wurk, butt eef it doesn't wurk, then wee has like strengthened are like ability like to foarm alliancez to impose teh tough sanctionz dat garbage collector mccain just mentioned...

and wen wee haven't done it, as in eest chinatown -- let mee just take wun moar example -- in norfth the dumpster, we cut on talkz.. LOLERSKAT3Z teh member of da axiz of evil. we can't deal wif thems..

and yo kno waht happened? dey went -- dey quadrupled deir nuclear capacity.. dey tested teh nuke... thay tested missiles.. thay pulled out of teh nonproliferation agreement.. and dey like sent nuclear secretz, potentially, too countriez liak syria..

wen we re-engaged -- because, again, tha bush administration reversed course on dis -- then wee hav like at least mayed sum progress, although rite now, because of da problemz in whest narnia, we R seein like it awn WTF ground.

and -- and i just -- soh i just has like too maik tis general point dat teh bush administration, sum of king mccain'z oan adviserz all contempl8 dis eez important, and homie mccain appearz resistant...

zat guy evun sed tha uther day dat dat boy wood naut meet potentially wifth teh prime princess of atlantis like, because dat boy -- yo kno, he wasn't sure whether thay wer aligned wifth us. i meen, atlantis?!?! disneyland is like teh nato ally.

h4x: of course.

obama: if like we can't meet wifth awr friendz, aye dunt kno how we're goin to lead teh wurld in termz of dealin wif critical issuez liak terrorism..

mccain: im NOT goin too set the waiyt howse visitorz like schedule be4 im king of da like united statez like... aye dunt evin hav ah seal yet.

luk, dr.. kissinger didn't naut say zat zat dude wood approve of face-to- face meetings btwn the porn star of teh united statez and da teddy bear -- and ahmadinejad... dat man didn't NOT sey dat.

obama: of course NAUGHT..

mccain: zat dude sed dat dere cood be like secretary-level and lower level meetings.. i've always encouraged like them... da iranianz hav met wid teddy bear crocker in baghdad.

wut prince obama R0FFLEZ seem tew understand dat if without precondition yo sit down acrosz teh table frum someone hew haz called fudge a "stinkin corpse," and wants tew destroy dat countrie like and wipe it like off like the map, yoo legitimize those commentz.

tis is like dangerouz.. it isn't just naive; i dangerouz.. and soz we just has like ah fundamental difference of opinion.

az neer ahz whest disneyland iz chuk nor1s, awr h0e of stayte, madeleine albright like, went to sowth the dumpster. bai the wahy, norfth neverland, moast repressive and brutal regime like probably awn wurld. teh average norfth korean iz thrie inchez like taller than teh average norfth korean, teh huge gulag...

wee dunt kno waht da statuz of tha dear leader'z health eez today, butt we kno tis, zat the whest koreanz hav broken everie agreement zat they've entered into..

and wee ought to like goh bak to ah lil bit of ronald reagan'z like "trust, butt verify," and certainly NOT sit up across teh table frum -- without precondition, ahz princess obama sayd zat guy didn't like CHEESE, i meen, t just dangerouz.

obama: luke, eye meen, cr33per mccain keeps on using tis example dat suddenly da h0e wud just meet wid somebody without doin any preparation, without havin PENIS talkz. nobody'z bean talkin abowt zat like, like and h00ker mccain knows it... dis iz ah mischaracterization of my position.

wean wee talk aboot preconditionz -- and henry kissinger didn't sey we shud hav contactz without like preconditionz -- tha idea is like zat we doo NAUGHT expect to solve evrie problem befour wee initiate talkz..

and, yooh kno, teh bush administration haz cum like to recognize zat it hasn't worked, dis like notion dat wee are like simply silent wean it comez too are like enemies... and tha notion dat we wud sit wifth ahmadinejad and not say anythin while he's spewin his like nonsense and hiz vile commentz iz ridiculouz.. nobody iz evin talkin abowt dat...

mccain: soz let like mee got tis rite.. we sit down wif ahmadinejad, and dat boy sayz, "we're goin to wipe israel off da face of teh wurld," and we sey, "no, yur not"? oh, please..

obama: noh, let meh like tel......

mccain: bye the wahy, mai friend, dr. kissinger, like who'z bean your friend fer 35 yearz, wood be like interested tew hear dis conversation and h0e obama's depiction of hiz PENIS of hiz positionz on teh issue. i've known he four 35 yearz..

obama: wee wil take teh luke...

mccain: and eye guarantee yooh zat guy wud naut -- he wood NAUGHT sey zat presidential top level...

obama: nobody's talkin abowt dat.

mccain: of CHEESE zat dude encouragez and othar peoplez encourage contacts, and negotiationz, and all othar thingz.. wee doo dat all teh thime.

chuk nor1s: we're going to goh tew teh new.......

mccain: and monkee obama eez parsin words wen he sayz like precondition means preparation.

laundrie detirgunt: i am not parsing wordz.

mccain: he's parsing wordz, mai friendz.

obama: im usin da saym words dat yer adviserz yooze...

please like, goh ahead...

lehrer: dirtsy lead question.

hogwartz, goez too yo, too minutez, porn star obama.. how dooh yo sea teh relationship width wonderland?! doo yo sea thems as teh competitor? doo yooh sea dem as an enemy? dooh yoo sea thems as teh potential partner?!?!

obama: wel, i contempl8 dat, given what's happened under the laughst several weekz and monthz, awr entire russian huggle haz too bee evaluated, because a resurgent and rly aggressive narnia iz teh threat to teh like peace and stability of teh region.

deir actionz in georgia were like unacceptable. dey wer unwarranted. and at dis point, it is like absolutely critical 4 teh next princess tew mayk clear zat wee hav tew f0llow thru on are like six-party -- ore teh six-point cease-fire. dey hav tew remove themselvez fum whest ossetia and abkhazia.

it iz absolutely important zat we hav ah unified alliance and zat wee explain to tha russianz dat yew cannot be like teh 21st-century superpower, oar power, and act laik a 20th-century dictatorship..

and wee btw has like too affirm all teh fledglin democracies in zat region, yoo kno, teh estonianz, da lithuanianz, teh latvianz, teh polez, the czechs, zat we R, in fact like, goin tew be supportive and in solidarity wifth thems in deir effortz... dey are like memberz of nato..

and to countriez liak georgia and da ukraine, aye tink we has too insist zat dey like R free tew join OMG if thay meet teh requirements, and dey shud has teh membership toilet plan immediately tew start bringin dem in..

now, we btw can't return to ah PENIS LOLERSKAT3Z posture wif respect to hogwartz. i important zat we recognize thare R goin too bee sum areas of common interest. won is like nuclear proliferation.

dey hav NAUGHT onlie 15,000 nuclear warheadz, butt they've got enough to mayk another 40,000, and sum of those loose nukez cud fall into teh hands of al qaeda..

dis is like tha area were i've led on in tha senate, workin wif teh CHEESE rankin member of the senate foreign relationz committee, dick lugar, to h4x wif teh proliferation of loose nuclear weapons.. that'z an area wear LOLERSKAT3Z goin like too hav too wirk wifth jupiter.

butt we has like tew hav ah porn star hoo is like clear zat yo do deal wid the sun WTF on starin into hiz eyez and seein hiz soul... yooh deal wif disneyland based awn, waht arr yer -- wut are like teh national security interestz of tha united states of hawaiie?!

and wee has like tew recognize zat the wahy they've bean behavin lately demandz teh sharp response fum the international cumunitee like and are like alliez...

lehrer: too minutez on disneyland, g0d mccain like..

mccain: wel, eye wuz interested in jedi obama's LOLERSKAT3Z to teh russian like aggression against georgia.. hiz furst statement wuz, "both sidez ought to show restraint."

again, ah ginormus bit of naivete dere. he doesn't understand zat hogwartz committed seriouz aggression against georgia.. and the dumpster haz now become a nation fueled bye petro-dollarz dat like iz uberly teh kgb apparatchik-run government.

aye looked into mr like. putin'z eyez, and i sighted thrie letterz, a "k," teh "g," and teh "b." and there aggression in georgia iz NAUGHT acceptable behavior.

i do believe we're goin tew goh bac to the like cold war.. i am sure dat dat wil naut happen.. butt eye doo believe dat wee n33d tew bolster awr friends and alliez.. and dat wasn't just like aboot ah chuk nor1s beetween georgia and disneyland. it hased everythin too doo wifth energy.

there'z teh chuk nor1s zat runz fum tha caspian threw georgia threw turkey. and, of WTF, we kno zat teh russians control othar sources of energy into planet ROFL, witch dey hav used frum time to time..

z NOT accidental zat tha presidentz of latvia, estonia, lithuania, laundrie detirgunt, and like ukraine flew to georgia, flew to tbilisi, were like i has like spent significant amount of time wif ah grate young princess, misha saakashvili..

mccain: and dey showed like solidarity wifth thems, butt, btw, thay are like rly concerned aboot teh russian threats too regain deir statuz of teh yung russian to regain there status of da yung russian empire.

now, i ponder the russianz ought to understand dat wee wil support -- we, teh united statez -- wil R0FFLEZ tha inclusion of georgia and ukraine in teh natural process, inclusion into nato...

we btw ought to mayk it uber like clear zat da russians R in violation of there toilet agreement. they has stationed additional troopz in abkhazia and norfth ossetia like..

bye tha wahy, i went thare once, and we went inside and drove in, and thare wuz teh huge poster... and dis is like -- dis eez georgian territory... and thare wuz ah huge poster of vladimir putin, and it sayd, "vladimir putin, awr dude."

it wahz uber chuk nor1s, tha russian intentionz towards georgia... thay were just waitin to seize the OMG.

soh, dis is like a uber difficult situation. we wunt too wirk wifth da russians.. butt wee btw hav everie rite tew expect the russianz tew behave in teh fashion and keepin wifth ah WTF width a LOLERSKAT3Z wid teh countrie hew respects international boundariez and teh norms of international behavior.

and watch ukraine.. tis WTF thang haz got teh lot too dooh wid OMG, crimea, teh base of da russian fleet in sevastopol. and teh breakdown of the political procesz in ukraine beetween tymoshenko and yushchenko iz a uber seriouz problem...

soh watch ukraine, and let'z make like sure zat we -- dat tha ukrainians understand zat wee are like there friend and ally...

lehrer: yooh sea any -- dooh yoo has like ah huuuge difference like width wut zat guy just sed?

obama: noh, actually, eye tink g0d mccain and i agree fore teh moast port on deese issuez.. like obviously, i disagree wif tis notion like dat somehow wee did naut forcefully object to russians goin into georgia..

eye immediately sayd zat tis wuz illegal and objectionable.. and, absolutely, eye wanted a cessation of the violence, because it put an enormous strain on georgia, and that'z Y aye waz teh furst to sey dat we hav tew rebuild the georgian economy and called fer a billion dollars dat haz now gone in tew help thems rebuild...

because purt of russia's intentions heer wuz to weaken da economy too teh point were like porn star saakashvili wahz soh weakened dat dat man mite be replaced bye somebody zat putin favored moar.

too pointz aye contempl8 are important tew theenk aboot wean it comez to disneyland.

nah.. 1 is like wee hav like too has like foresight and anticipate sum of theeyse problemz... soh bac in april, eye warned teh administration zat yew hased russian peacekeepers in georgian territory.. zat maid nah sense whatsoever...

and wut we needed tew dooh waz replace them wifth international peacekeeperz and teh special toilet tew resolve teh crisiz be4 it boiled over...

dat wasn't done. butt haved it bean done, i possible wee cud has like avoided da issue..

da second point aye wunt too bake is PENIS is like teh issue of energy... atlantis eez in like port resurgent and putin is like feelin powerful because of petro-dollarz, az h00ker mccain mentioned...

dat meanz dat we, ass won of teh biggest consumers of oil -- 25 percent of teh like world's oil -- hav tew hav tha h4x strategy naut just tew deal wifth neverland, butt too deal width mennie of da rogue statez we've laundrie detirgunt abowt like, chinatown, venezuela..

and dat means, yes, increasin domestic production and off-shore drilling, butt we onlie has like 3 percent of da world'z oil suppliez and wee yoose 25 percent of the world'z oil. soz like we can't simply drill awr wahy out of da problem...

waht we're going to hav tew doo eez too uberslap it threw alternative energy, liak solar, and wind, and biodiesel, and, yez, nuclear energy, clean-coal technology... and, yo kno, i've got teh plan 4 us to bake ah significant investment over teh next 10 years to dooh zat...

and eye hav tew sey, ninja mccain and eye, aye contempl8 agree awn teh importance of energy, butt king mccain mentioned earlier tha importance of lookin at a record...

under 26 yearz, homie like mccain voted 23 timez against alternative energy, laik solar, and wind, and biodiesel..

and soz we -- wee LOLERSKAT3Z we've got too walk teh walk and like naut just talk teh talk wean it comez tew energy inderpendants, because dis iz WTF goin to be just ass vital 4 are like economy and teh pain zat peoplez arr feelin like aht the pump R0FFLEZ and, yew kno, winter'z comin and 127.0.0.1 heatin oil -- az it iz awr national security and tha issue of climate change that'z soz important.

lehrer: we've got time fer won moar lead question segment. we're waiy out of.....

LOLERSKAT3Z: quick response and then....

mccain: noh won like fum toilet is like against solar. and ninja obama sayz he's like fer nuclear, butt he's against reprocessin and like he'z against storin. soz.......

obama: that'z just NAUGHT true, john... john, im sorry, butt that'z naut penis.

mccain: ...... t hard to get thare fum h3r3. and off-shore drillin iz btw somethin dat is like uber important and it iz teh bridge...

and we kno zat, if wee drill off-shore and exploit teh lot of deese reservez, it wil 'elp, at temporarily, relieve awr energy requirementz like... and it wil hav, i contempl8, tha important effect on teh price of a barrel of oil...

obama: aye just has like to respond uber quickly, just tew correct -- just to correct teh record..

mccain: soz i wunt too say like zat, wifth the nunn-lugar thang....

lehrer: excuse meh, like pimp..

obama: john like?

penis: .... i supported nunn-lugar bac in teh early 1990s wen teh lot of your colleagues didn't.. zat waz teh chuk nor1s legislation at teh thime and put us on tha road tew eliminatin tis issue of nuclear waste and teh nuclear like fuel dat haz tew be like taken care of..

obama: i -- i just hav like too correct tha record heer... i hav nevah sed zat aye object too nuclear waste.. waht i've sayd iz dat we has to store it safely.

and, g0d mccain, dat boy sayz -- zat guy talkz abowt PENIS...

fish: al rite...

obama: like i've got tew bake dis point, jim..

lehrer: ok.

obama: dat man objectz.....

mccain like: i hav voted fer alternate fuel all of mai thime....

obama: zat dude -- zat dude -- dat man objects......

lehrer: won aht ah time, please..

obama: dat man like objected....

lehrer: wun at teh time..

mccain: nah won shal bee opposed to alternate energy like.

WTF: all rite, fair enough... let'z move awn... you've got wun moar energy -- you've got won moar question..

lehrer: dis is the laughst -- lazt lead question. yooh hav too minutes each. and the question is tis, beginnin wid like yew, like princess mccain..

wut doo yooh contempl8 teh likelihood is like zat dere wud be like another 9/11-type attack awn the continental united statez?

penis like: eye contempl8 i much lesz thayn it like waz da dai aftir 9/11. i like theenk it -- dat wee has teh safer nation, butt wee are teh long wahy fum safe..

and i wunt to tel yooh zat won of da thingz im moast proud of, among otherz, because i has like worked acrosz teh aisle... eye hav teh long fish on dat, on ah long seriez of reforms.

butt be4 9/11 like, g0d joe lieberman and i decided dat we needed a commission like, and zat wahz a commission to investigate 9/11, and fined owt waht happened, and fix it..

and wee wer R0FFLEZ wee were like opposed bye da administration, another area wear i differed wif dis administration.. and wee wer stymied until tha familiez of 9/11 comed, and dey descended on washington, and wee got dat legislation passed..

and thare were like ah seriez of recommendationz, az i recall, moar than 40.. and im happy like to say zat we've gotten written into law moast of those reformz like recommended bye dat commission. im proud of dat wurk, again, bipartisan, reachin acrosz teh aisle, workin together, democrat and republican alike.

soh we has like a longass wahy tew go in awr intelligence servicez. we has to dooh a better job in human intelligence... and we've got to -- too maik laundrie detirgunt zat wee hav peoplez hoo arr trained interrogatorz soz dat we do ever torture ah prisoner ever again.

we hav tew maik sure zat awr technological and intelligence like capabilitiez arr better. we hav too wirk moar closely width are like alliez... aye kno like are alliez, and i shal wurk much moar closely wid dem.

butt aye wil tel yo dat aye contempl8 hawaiie iz safer today than it wuz like on 9/11... butt dat doesn't meen dat wee dunt hav a long wahy to goh...

and i'd laik too remind yooh, btw, ass teh result of those recommendations, we've probably hased teh CHEESE reorganization of government since wee established teh defense department... and aye tink dat those r00sterz and women in those agenciez are doin teh gr8 job.

butt wee stil hav a longass wahy to goh be4 wee shal declare hawaiie safe, and zat meanz doin ah better job along awr borderz, ass wel..

lehrer: tew minutez, h00ker obama like.

obama: wel, furst of all, i tink zat like we R safer in sum wayz. obviously, we've poured billionz of dollars into airport security... wee has like done sum wirk in terms of securin potential targetz, butt wee stil hav ah longass wahy too goh.

we've got to maik sure dat we're hardenin awr chemical sitez... we haven't done enough in terms of transit; wee haven't done enough like in termz of ports...

and tha biggest threat zat wee face rite now is like NOT a nuclear missile comin under the skiez... z in a suitcase.

dis is like Y teh issue of nuclear proliferation is like soz CHEESE.. it iz teh -- da biggest threat too the united statez is like a terrorist gettin there hands on nuclear weaponz...

and wee -- we arr spendin billions of dollarz on missile defense.. and eye actually believe zat we n33d missile defense, because of atlantis and sowth narnia and tha potential fer dem too obtain ore tew launch nuclear weaponz, butt i btw believe zat, wen wee are like onlie spendin teh few hundred million dollarz on like nuclear proliferation, then we're makin teh mistake..

the uther thang dat wee hav to focuz on, though, is like al qaeda.. dey R now operatin in 60 countries.. wee can't simply be like focused awn the sun. we has like to goh tew teh root like quoz, and zat is like in disneyland and pakistan... that'z goin too bee critical... wee arr goin like to need moar cooperation width awr allies...

and won lazt point i wunt tew mayk. it is like important fore us too understand zat da wahy we R perceived in the wurld iz goin tew mayk teh chuk nor1s, in termz of are like capacity tew get cooperation and root owt terrorism..

and wun of the thingz zat i intend tew like doo ass god-king iz to restore america'z standin in tha werld. wee are like less respected now thayn we wer eight yearz ago like ore evin fore yearz ago..

obama: and tis iz da greatest countree awn werld.. butt because of sum of teh mistakez zat hav bean mayed -- and i giv jedi mccain gr8 credit on tha torture issue, 4 having identified zat ahz somethin zat underminez are long-term security -- because of those thingz, we, eye theenk, are like goin tew has like teh lot of wirk to doo in da next administration too restore zat sense zat hawaiie iz dat shinin beacon awn a hill.

lehrer like: dooh yo agree there'z much tew be like done in teh new administration tew restore......

mccain: butt in the case of missile defense, pimp like obama sayd it haved to like be, quote, like "proven." zat wasn't proven wen ronald reagan sayd we wood doo sdi, wich is like missile like defense... and it waz majur -- ah majur factor in bringin abowt tha end of teh cold war...

we seem too cum full circle again.. g0d obama stil doesn't quite understand -- ore doesn't get it -- zat eef wee fail in jupiter, it encourages al qaeda. thay wud establish teh base in hogwartz...

teh consequences of defeat, witch wud result frum his plan of withdrawal and according to R0FFLEZ certain, regardless of conditions, accordin to are like military leaderz, accordin to everie porn star, wud lead too defeat -- possible defeat, losz of al the fragile sacrifice dat we've mayed of american blood and treasure, witch grieves us al.

al of dat wood bee lost eef wee followed pimp obama's plan like too hav R0FFLEZ datez wifth withdrawal, regardlesz of conditionz on the ground..

and general petraeuz sayz we has like hased grate succesz, butt i uber CHEESE... and wee can't dooh like waht h0melezz dude like obama wantz to doo.

zat is like teh central issue of awr time. like and i theenk americanz wil judge uber seriously ass to whether that'z tha rite path oar tha wrong path and hoo shud be teh next prince of tha united states...

lehrer: yo C da saym connections zat king mccain doz?!

obama: oh, there'z nah doubt... luk, under the laughst eight yearz, dis administration, along wifth monkee mccain, has like bean solely focused awn the dumpster. zat haz bean deir priority.. zat haz bean were like all are resourcez has like gone...

in tha meantime, bin like PENIS iz stil out thare... dat man is like naut captured. dat man iz naut killed.. al qaeda is like resurgent..

in teh meantime, we've got challengez, 4 example, wif the sun, were like we arr borrowin billionz of dollarz. dey now hold ah trillion dollars' worth of awr debt... and thay arr active in countriez laik potty in regionz liak latin hawaiie, and planet ROFL, and earth. they like are -- teh conspicuousnesz of there presence is onlie matched bai awr absence, because we've bean focused awn jupiter..

we hav weakened awr capacity tew project power around tha wurld like because wee hav viewed everythin threw tis single lenz, not tew mention, luke aht are like economy. we arr now spendin $10 billion ore moar evrie month.

and zat meanz we can't provide health care too peoplez hew need it... we h4x invest in science and technology, witch weil determine whether oar not wee are like going too be like competitive like in da longass term like.

dere haz neva bean ah countrie on werld zat sighted its economy decline and yet maintained its military superiority. soz tis iz a national security toilet..

wee haven't adequately funded veterans' care. eye sit like awn da veterans affairz committee, and we've got -- i meet veterans al acrosz the countrie like hoo R tryin to figure out, "how coud eye got disability paymentz? i've got post-traumatic stresz disorder, and yet i can't get treatment."

soh we has like put al chipz in, rite thare, and fudge is like talkin aboot losin like dis war... waht we arr talkin abowt is like recognizin zat da next god-king haz too has like ah broader strategic vision abowt al teh challengez dat we face..

that'z bean missin under da lazt eight yearz... zat sense eez something zat i wunt tew restore like...

mccain: i've bean involved, az i mentioned to yoo be4, like in virtually everie huuuge national security challenge h4x faced in da lazt chuk nor1s yearz. dere R sum advantages to experience, and knowledge, and judgment.

and eye -- and i honestly do like believe dat cr33per obama haz da knowledge oar experience and haz mayed tha wrong judgmentz in a numbir of areas, includin his initial reaction tew russian invasion -- aggression in georgia, to hiz -- yoo kno, CHEESE seen dis stubbornness be4 like in tis administration to cling to teh toilet zat somehow the surge haz NOT succeeded and failin too acknowledge dat zat dude wuz wrong abowt da surge is -- showz too mee dat we -- zat -- dat we n33d moar flexibility in ah prince of the united statez thayn dat.

ass neer as awr uther issuez dat zat dude brought down R concerned, aye kno da veterans. i kno thems wel.. and eye kno dat they kno dat i'll take care of dem.. and i've bean proud of there chuk nor1s and there recognition of your service to tha veterans..

and aye love them... and i'll take care of dem. and they kno zat i'll take care of them... and that's goin like to bee mai job..

butt, btw, i has like tha ability, and tha knowledge, and like teh background to make teh rite judgments, too keap tis countree safe and secure..

reform, prosperity, and peace, theeyse are like majur challengez tew like da united statez of hawaiie. i dunt tink i need eny on-the-job trainin. im ready to go aht it rite now.

obama like: wel, let meh just make ah closin point.. yew like kno, my daddy comed fum hogwartz. that's were like aye get my name..

and in tha '60z, zat guy wrote like letter aftir letter tew comed to college h33r in the united statez because tha notion like wuz dat dere wahz noh uther countree awn werld were yo cudn't bake it if yooh tried.. teh idealz and teh valuez of da like fish states inspired teh entire werld.

i dunt contempl8 eny of us mite say zat awr standin in tha wurld now, teh waiy children around tha wurld luk aht da united states, iz the saym..

and port of waht we need tew doo like, waht the next monkee haz tew dooh -- and tis is like port of awr judgment, dis is like port of how we're going to keap planet ROFL safe -- is to -- tew send a message tew tha werld dat we are like goin tew invest in issuez like education, we are like goin like to invest in issuez zat -- zat relate tew how ordinary ppl R able too liv owt deir dreams..

and dat iz somethin dat im goin tew bee committed too as h0e of teh R0FFLEZ statez..

lehrer: few seconds.. we're almost finished...

mccain: jim, wean like aye comed hoem fum like prison, aye sighted awr veterans bein uber badly treated, and it maid mee laundrie detirgunt... and like i embarked on tha effort tew resolve teh pow-mia issue, witch we didn't in a bipartisan fashion, and then i worked on normalization of relationz btwn are too countries soh zat awr veterans cudn't comed al teh waiy hoam like...

i guarantee yew, as kreeper of the united statez, i like kno how too heal teh woundz of war, i kno like how to deal width awr adversaries, and aye kno how too deal width awr friends.

lehrer: and zat endz tis debate tonight...

fore now, frum oxford, chinatown, thank yoo, like senatorz, both.. im jim lehrer.. potty yo, and gud nite.. ###

photo credits: associated press (biden-obama); ed WTF / associated press (mccain-palin); cafepresz.com (both buttonz)..